When clients come to me for help in healing from a breakup or divorce, the very first thing they want to know is how to let go of the feelings for their ex-partner.
As we explore what keeps them from being able to let go, I inevitably hear “I just can’t stop thinking about him (or her)”.
The men and women I work with typically go on to describe repetitive, automatic, intrusive thoughts about their ex-partner and the relationship that plague them during the day and disrupt their dreams at night.
Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to shut these thoughts off? You could go back to sleeping undisturbed at night and functioning pretty well during the day. You could go back to attending to your life and the things that are important to you. If you have been out of a relationship for a while, you could become open to a new partner.
This may seem simple – if you want to stop thinking about someone, just stop thinking about that person. However, it is more complicated than it seems. Anyone who’s stuck with automatic thoughts about an ex knows that it feels nearly impossible to stop them.
To help I have designed a three-step process to get unstuck from repetitive thoughts and dreams about your ex. This is the same process I use with great success to set my clients free of attachment to their ex-partner in just a few sessions.
The three-step process to being able to stop thinking about your ex:
Step 1: Become willing to let go.
When I talk to clients about stopping thoughts about their ex-partner, what shows up is their unwillingness to let go. They don’t want to face the reality of the relationship ending. The thoughts and dreams that seem to occur automatically about the ex are actually kept in place by the mind’s desire to hold on.
If the relationship is over, yet you don’t want it to be, you could keep it alive in your imagination and even in your body, by constantly thinking about the person. This is often an unconscious choice, but it is a choice never the less. To be free of thinking about the person you must choose to let go of that person. You must set yourself and your ex-partner free.
Step 2: Decide that you will find as good as or an even better partner.
As I explore with clients the reasons behind why they don’t want to let go of their partner what comes up is the fear that they will never again meet a compatible person. Often they mention the great chemistry and attraction they experienced with their ex-partner and how impossible it seems to find it again.
Yet, in order to be free of your ex-relationship you must let go of this fear and come to believe that you will eventually meet the right partner for you. When I work with clients on this step, we search for what helps them let go of this debilitating fear. The techniques I give clients depend on how they typically make changes in their lives.
Some people take action in order to change their beliefs. For them, working on meeting as many people as possible is a sure antidote to the fear that no one good is out there. Other people must first believe before they can move into action. For them, looking at how they have attracted other deeply compatible people in all areas of their life often works well.
Either way, in order to stop thinking about your ex you must come to believe that you are moving towards someone as good as or even better.
Step 3: Remember that you are not alone.
When a relationship ends you feel alone, perhaps abandoned, or even unlovable. Except you are not any of these.
While you may feel alone, you likely have friends and family who will be happy to spend time with you and tell you how wonderful you are.
While you may feel that your ex abandoned you, you still have yourself. The fact that you have yourself is a very, very important thing to remember in order for you to stop thinking about – and successfully let go of – your ex.
All the “things” that your ex used to give you, and those that were wanted but never given, you can now give to yourself. All the compliments you did not get enough of, all the appreciation you did not receive, all the kind words that were missing, can be given to you by you. All the kind ways you were not treated, the fun dates you did not get to go on, the things that you wanted done that were not done, all this you can do for yourself. Even all the things that were given and done right by your ex can be replaced by you taking care of you, in just the ways you want.
As you give to yourself you will be proving that you are in fact lovable and very much worth the effort. The more you take good care of yourself, the more lovable you will feel.
While ending the automatic thoughts about your ex and eventually letting him or her go is not an easy task, it can be done. In order to stop the automatic thoughts and let go, you have to address what has kept you stuck on your ex. The three important steps above are designed to unhook you from your former relationship and set you free.
Want help stopping automatic ex-related thoughts, so that you can finally move on? Book your Get Clarity Coaching session now and let’s take a look at what keeps you attached to your ex and what you need to do to let go.
