Do you wonder why you are still single?
Does it seem like nearly everyone else is in a relationship or marriage while you are not? Do you wonder where all the good ones are? Do you only seem to run across people who are not a fit for you?
Do you have trouble getting to the second date or, at times, even to the first date? Do you wonder why you don’t seem able to keep a relationship? Do you keep trying to figure out how to be better, different or more attractive, so that you can finally attract that right relationship partner you envision? Or, worse, have you given up on having a loving relationship in your life altogether?
The dilemma of “why am I still single” after trying everything to get into a relationship baffles and tortures many singles. Seemingly nothing makes a difference in solving this dilemma.
- If the solution amounted to reading self-help books and learning more about yourself, then the self-learning you have already done would have helped you attract a mate.
- If the solution meant talking about and processing your past in therapy, then it would have already helped you.
- If meeting more singles provided a solution to finding the right mate, what you have already done to meet new people would have worked.
- And, if giving up on relationships altogether really worked, you would be happy alone, unfettered by lack of a loving partner.
Yet, you are bothered by still being single, despite trying not to be. And you are still single, despite trying not to be.
So why are you still single?
Here is the untold truth. The idea of meeting and being in a relationship with the right person brings up unconscious, hard to deal with terror for you. You are not aware of it, but when it comes up, you take action and think thoughts to avoid it at all cost. And in this effort of avoiding the terror, you avoid the right person as well.
This terror has variations, unique to each person, but the essence of it is always the same. It is the fear of deeply loving and then losing that love, and the unbearable, heart-wrenching pain this will bring on.
Here are some variations on the theme of this terror:
- Some fear deeply falling in love and then being suddenly abandoned or rejected by the person they love.
- Some fear that if they allow the right person in, they will be found lacking in some fundamental quality.
This will make them undesirable to their partner, and they will then lose the relationship. - Some feel that if they fall in love, in the end they will lose the love because they will have done something wrong to spoil it.
- Some fear that there is simply no one for them, because even the idea of truly falling in love feels incredibly risky and is sure to lead to deep loss.
- Some feel so damaged, although they often can’t say how, that they are certain they are simply unlovable and will never be chosen by anyone they would want.
The variations on the theme are endless and unique. The underlying terror is the same for all: the loss of deep love, and the unbearable heartbreak in the aftermath of the loss.
Where does this unconscious terror come from? If you are single and having trouble finding the right partner, the terror I speak of is rooted in your past, in your childhood.
Somewhere, somehow, you experienced deep, core heartbreak at the hands of important trusted people in your life, be it your parents, siblings or caregivers. It is this deep heartbreak that haunts you now in your lack of a fulfilling relationship.
The good news is that even though this terror is unconscious and hard to catch and work through, it can be done. I have done this with clients again and again, and have countless stories of clients who end up in first-time-in-their-life wonderful relationships as a result of our work together.
As a gift to you, I am going to lay out the process I work through with clients to get them from unconscious terror to meeting the love of their life.
Recover from the terror of loss in a 4 step process:
1. Catch yourself in the midst of avoiding the terror.
Notice what you avoid and ask yourself why. Notice what you tell yourself about relationships and question the truth of your thought process. Notice how you talk yourself out of trying new things and meeting new people and ask yourself why, etc. Notice how you act around people who may be close to your ideal match and wonder why you do what you do. The more you observe yourself the more likely you are to catch yourself feeling the terror. Then you will have proven to yourself that is in fact what runs your relationship life.
2. Learn as much as possible about yourself, people, and healthy relationships.
The more you know about yourself, men and women, and how to create a healthy relationship, the more your unconscious will be able to relax. In other words the more you can honestly say to yourself “I know how to do this” and know it’s true, the more likely you are to create the relationship you want.
3. Learn self-soothing and emotionally calming techniques to reduce the terror.
The unconscious terror you feel is not about loving and then losing love, but about not being able to deal with the devastating heartbreak in the aftermath. This is why it is important to learn a variety of emotional resilience and calming techniques.
When you know that you can feel incredible emotional pain and still be ok, you will become less afraid of creating the relationship your heart desires.
4. Get ongoing, effective support as you work on these steps and then start looking for your right partner.
When you have a solid, trustworthy person to support you, whose opinion and wisdom you value, you will have an easier time venturing into the domain of meeting the one for you. This is because we cannot willingly face terror alone. But with the right support we can face nearly anything.
I often tell clients that I will be the coach in their pocket as they start dating. I tell them that I will make sure they are making good-for-them choices in partners, and in how they go about dating and relationship building. This brings them enormous comfort and security and often allows them to quickly meet the right person for them.
Now you know exactly why you are still single. You also have a step-by-step process that will, if followed, help you break through the terror that holds you back from the love of your life.
Question is, what are you going to do about it?
When you embark on this 4-step process and find you are ready to transform the stuckness that holds you back from the love of your life, set up your Get Clarity Coaching Session. Whether I meet with you over the phone, Skype or in my office, this first coaching session will be the start of you overcoming what holds you back from creating the relationship you want.
