Is your relationship painful or frustrating, when all you want is love, peace, and connection?
You’ve been treated badly, unappreciated, rejected, not communicated with, or cheated on. You’ve been unsupported, abandoned, reacted to. You’ve been doing things you resent, having to ask for love and attention. You’ve been frozen out, avoided, asked for far too much space, or living without intimacy and closeness. You’ve been put low on the priority list or asked to put up with unacceptable behavior.
If you are finding yourself unhappy in your relationship, below is advice on how to cope and even find great good in what ails your relationship.
When your partner hurts you, you want him to relieve your pain. You want her to take it back, to say she’s sorry, to tell you that you are loved and that the hurt was a mistake. To most people this is the only conceivable form of relief for pain caused in a relationship.
But here is the thing. If your partner is hurting you, he or she is unlikely to stop, turn around and give you the relief you want.
Your partner is not doing or saying things TO YOU, but rather just doing or saying what comes naturally to him or her. People do what they do and can’t stop or change to make it easier, more convenient or nicer for you, even when you think she should. Waiting for your partner, your husband or wife, to be different before you feel better is not a workable solution to relationship problems.
So what can you do when you feel pain in a relationship? What do you do when you have just had a fight, when your partner won’t see your point of view, when you are feeling unloved and misunderstood?
Do not turn to your partner first when you feel pain, because again, he or she will not be able to give you relief, because he or she is not going to – and can’t – change for you.
Instead, do the following for immediate relief from fresh pain in your relationship, as well as from chronic relationship or break-up pain:
Option 1: Write your partner or ex-partner a letter that you will never send or give to him or her. In the letter you may use foul language, talk about the hidden pain that you may never reveal to him or her, talk about your disappointment, your hurt, your sense of abandonment. Honestly disclose everything you feel. Delve deeply into the incident and dredge up all of your emotions. Write about them to the point where there is nothing else inside of you that wants to come out. Write to the point where there nothing more to express. Go ahead, do it. I know you don’t want to dive into your pain, but I promise you, this is the fastest, most effective pain relief there is.
Option 2: Find a picture of your partner and set it up somewhere where you can be alone and undisturbed with it. Talk to the picture as if it were your partner. Talk about the pain, anger, or frustration you feel at great length, while imagining that you are being respectfully and attentively listened to. Go on and on until there is nothing left to say. Take a long time to do this, even if at first the words are slow to come and even if you feel silly.
If you take these steps you will begin to lose some of the urgency to make your partner fix the pain he or she caused. This is a very good thing. Let me explain.
Just because you don’t need to go to your partner for relief, does not mean that you will do nothing or get complacent about the situation that’s causing you pain.
Instead you will begin to gain choices – choice about your actions regarding the incident, choice about the relationship and how you want it to work.
You may also gain the following choices:
•To calmly tell your partner that it is no longer OK to treat you in particular ways, and what the consequences will be if certain events happen again.
•To peacefully end the relationship, if that is what you would like to do.
• To stay in the relationship and be calm when hurt and pain arise again.
• To clearly articulate your experience and get your point across, perhaps having your partner hear you for the first time.
• To move on from a past relationship and heal, to get your life back, to get yourself back.
• To address your own pain any time it arises, regardless of who is causing it or what they are willing or unwilling to do about it.
These freedom-based choices are only available to you if you seek relief from relationship discomfort through processing – writing or speaking – your pain, frustration or anger completely, independent of the other person.
Learning how to process your pain on your own is the beginning of personal power, the power over yourself and your emotional well-being, independent of another person.
Funny enough, when you are no longer dependent on your partner for your emotional well-being, not only do you get relationship pain relief, but you also get the possibility of getting more of what you want out of your relationship.
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Do you feel…
- Frustrated at being single?
- Tired of dating the wrong people?
- Frustrated with lack of connection and/or passion in your relationship or marriage?
- Overwhelmed by a breakup or divorce?
Get a jump-start on creating THE relationship you want in a Get Clarity Coaching Session. Your dating or relationship experiences will change FOR THE BETTER!
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