Q: Fran Asks:
Dear Coach, I am in my early 40s, and so is he. We have been dating for a number of months. I like him and he seems to like me. My friends tell me that he is very much into me, but I am not feeling it. He doesn’t call much and he doesn’t seem eager to see me. Instead we seem to have settled into a routine and there seems to be not much excitement. What can I do? ~ Fran
A: Coach Rinatta answers:
Fran, when a man’s into you he will call and be eager to see you. Since he’s not, he may not be that into you. Perhaps he’s dating you because you are easy to be with, nice enough or safe. If you want to form a relationship based on those feelings, great. But if you continue forward with this relationship as it is, you could ultimately feel as if you are missing out.
Let me explain more. People are typically on their best, most romantic behavior at the start of a relationship. So what you are seeing right now is his best behavior towards you. And you feel like something is missing! This means as you go forward, you will either feel the same, or as if even more is missing.
Some people believe that as a relationship deepens there will be more romance, more affection, and this is true, but only when there is romance and affection and “into each other” feelings to begin with.
If your relationship continues, the two of you might even get married, but the relationship will be based on milk toast sort of feelings about each other. You will likely not reach the “in love” stage in this relationship. And if that is OK with you, keep going, because you may develop a steady, safe relationship. But, if you are already craving more, consider how much more you will crave as time goes on.
As to what you can do, the answer is – not much. You cannot make someone more into you. You cannot change who you are dating, nor can you change his or her feelings. Sure, you can pay him more compliments, do more for him, accommodate him more, give him more and ask for less. And he might fall in love with those actions or words, and that may make him stick around more. But his feelings for YOU will not change, so his behavior change will be temporary.
Here are a couple of things you can try to shake up your situation:
Consider spending less time with him. Skip those dates and events where you feel particularly unwanted and have more of a sense of being settled. For example, I would not watch TV with him, as you are not an old married couple yet. 🙂 I would eat in less and go out more. And if he ever seems bored with you, I would immediately make an excuse and end the date.
If you spend less time with him and remove yourself when he’s not appreciating you, he might notice that he misses you and reach for you more. Or, he may notice that he’s fine with less time with you. In either case, you will have more information and can make a better choice on what to do next.
You deserve to be with someone who’s very much into you. If you try my suggestions and nothing changes with your current man, you may want to end the relationship and find another who’s more into you.
If you want help attracting a partner who’s very much into you, try working with me as your coach. Learning to attract the right partner is achievable and one of the more important ways in which I coach my clients.
{ 20 comments }
I needed to see this! I’m experiencing the same situation. After 9 months of seeing a man, he rarely initiates communication and I’m lucky to see him an hour a week. He will do things for me … he will work on my car and he helped me move, but I can’t get past the feeling that I want him more than he wants me. And each time I tell him I want to break it off (it’s been three times now), he reels me back in. This past time, he told me he loved me. I’m hearing it, but I’m not feeling it. At that point in time, he told me he would make an attempt to spend more time with me. It hasn’t happened! That was two weeks ago. And my friends tell me the same thing as in this situation … that he’s just comfortable. Even if he were comfortable, I would think he would want to spend more time with me than he does.
I’m miserable, and I’ve resorted to nagging, which I’ve told myself I wouldn’t do. I hate myself for it. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to give up on this situation. It’s pointless!
You are 100% right. Accommodating man won’t help on the long run. Are we being accommodated? You are 100% right, if it is missing at the beginning, will always be missed. So, I will stop looking on how to make my relationship all about him and go out an have fun, today! I have believed all you said all along, by instinct but something happend lately. I just got stuck with this one, great hot looking man that he would please me if I ask but only when he wants. I so hate that, and I shouldn’t settle for it and should stop being so accommodating. I lost control of myself, that is normal I guess but I need to snap out of it. I have never ever let myself lose 100% of myself on a man until this last one. Why is that? I have other 3 man around waiting for me to say yes, therefore why I am with him? I shouldn’t be stuck with the one that controls the entire situation. More power to me and time to shake it up! I give myself a week to turn myself aroung. Thank you!
well, the guy i’m intrested in works in the local dvd store, i used to go pretty often there but never actually paid any particular attention to him because i was in a relationship. one day, after i had broken up with my boyfriend, as i was walking by that store, i saw him through the window noticing me and then he stood on the door step waiting for me just to say a ”hi” the last month i’ve been renting dvd’s like everyday, he has started many conversations with me, about my summer, my studies and i always catch him looking at me. he’s generally very kind but the point is he hasn’t asked yet my number or so. my friend says it’s because he works there and he can’t risk loosing a customer by doing something risky and the bad thing is i am not really the type who asks a guys phone, i just wait for the guys to do so. does he look like he’s into me or he is just being nice cause i am a frequent customer?
I think that sometimes it can be very easy for us to mistake between someone being interested in us or just doing their job. In your situation, is not necessary clear. I can only suggest that you find the answer to your question from him. This is how I will suggest you do it. The next time you go to the store, make sure to be smiling, look inviting, and flirty. Make him feel comfortable enough to make a move. Sometimes a man is only waiting for a sign from you to make a move.
Hi there,
I dated this man for a couple of months. Well I didn’t think of it as dating, we were just exploring what we wanted from our connection. But then one day he said we were dating, and that he’d told a couple of his friends. When I said a couple of days later ‘oh we’re dating’, he said ‘no we’re not, i never said that’. He was often very changeable. We probably went out six or seven times, and there were some good times, we got close (but didn’t sleep together). Then we had a couple of arguments as we were both very tired and stressed from our jobs and he also has a serious health condition which doesn’t help.
We talked one day and he said that he wasn’t in the right space for a relationship and came out with the phrase ‘right people wrong time’, which made sense then. We agred to be friends. However it’s been over 8 weeks, we’ve been out just once in that time where he was really horrible to me, put me down etc) apart from two quick coffees at work (we work on the same floor so have to see him every day). I get the sense he’s socialising with other people but every time I suggest meeting up he’s too tired or sick ( I know some of this will be valid as I know the stress he’s under at work). We had a big argument the other day as I said he was a crap friend for ignoring my email. I asked him to come out tomorrow to discuss things like adults.
I’m not really wondering whether I should just send him an email cancelling tomorrow and say that the friendship hasn’t worked out the way i had expected and hoped. That if we met up we’d get more stressed. Then I was going to end it with contact me sometime down the track if you want to be friends or more than this. And that I would see him around at work.
Worried though in case I burn all my bridges with this guy.
http://www.asklovecoach.com/he%E2%80%99s_not_into_you/?replytocom=2901#respond
My comment should have course have said ‘I am now wondering whether to contact this guy. Sure that was obvious to people.
wait .. if you bestfriends .. there will be possible they get fall inlove to eachother? y?
I have been dating a man for almost two years…. Same thing it was whirl wind romance first summer and it has cooled off and we have had a break up…Very confused about all the information people put on the web. He needs alone time and I respect that. I am very insecure about myself and so I do sometimes freak out when I dont hear from him but after reading one post saying its normal that helped alot. Then I find this one that says it could mean he is just not that into me. LOL WOW Yeah I think I just need a hot bath and chill.. I like my relationship to a degree and well yeah…to much to digest sometimes because its all different but the same …
I’m not sure I’d totally write him off based on his lack of overt attention. Some people show love in different ways. As others have mentioned, it could be timing issues. Or, it could be, he just prefers to show his love through different actions then you are used to seeing it.
But, it could very well be that he’s just not into you, and you need to move on. Try to communicate honestly. If he tells you he wants to be in a committed relationship with you, then tell him what you need from him. If he can’t give that to you or he’s not willing to be in a committed relationship, then maybe it’s time to say goodbye… perhaps not forever. At some point he may realize he let a good thing go and come back. Meanwhile, you may find someone who’s willing to give himself to you heart and soul
.-= Yvette Francino´s last blog ..Are you in Limerence More about romantic love =-.
Two points. One, timing is important. Second, Men (people) can PLAY all they want with you and only the right time and personality (honest character) will bring them to the commitment phase. Listen to what this guy is saying and MOVE ON with your life! No more w8ting4u crap.
My experience is that fewer MEN following a divorce, are ready to jump in. Do NOT try to force it or ignore this! I waited three years after a guy’s divorce to BE THERE for him (exclusively) and I found out he was hitting on single women and genrally flirting,etc…not concerned about me or my feelings, just his “recovery” and fun while he was at it….my friends pressured him to put a ring on my finger or lose me and he complied. Only to find out year 2 into the marriage he was doing online porn and hitting on single friends of mine. What a waste of seven years of my life all together, the dating, the trying to make the marriage work on my own, the forgiving, etc.etc. A stupid LOSS of my time and energy when I could’ve been free and meeting some really cool available people!
I WOULD NEVER DATE SERIOUSLY AN UNAVAILABLE MAN EVEr AGAIN!! I met a nice one and told him, “Um, you’re not available(not even divorced!) you just want a Ho-roll in the sack.” He admitted that and respected me for saying it, but hey, that’s who I am now. MY TIME is precious! And I’m not settling it for another loser who wants it ALL…me AND his ex wife or fmr girlfriends or all the women in the universe or whoever. By the way, the chemistry was GREAT with this guy and he knew how to work it to get what HE wanted. That wasn’t the issue, but if you do want a real relationship, go shopping somewhere else.
Carinosa is so right about “timing.” I started seeing a guy almost a year ago now. We immediately felt the chemistry, physically, emotionally, and personality-wise. Yes, we went to bed too early in the relationship, but we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I ask him if he’s ready for a commited relationship, he says “No.” He’s just getting out of 23-year marriage, has a lot of emotional baggage, and he’s not emotionally ready to give his all to another woman. He said he was “a broken man” and although he “cares” for me, he’s not ready for a serious relationship. Okay, so I cry, and accept it. He won’t let me go though. He keeps texting me, and when we see each other from a distance at our favorite hang-out, there’s definitely chemistry…I think the timing is off…he needs a chance to get his head together and decide what he wants in this next chapter of his life. So guess what, I am waiting…and we are still talking, but just not dating again yet. Hopes this helps. Appreciate any feedback.
I have been married for 3 months and now he wants a divorec because he thinks he made a mistake. He is just “not into me”. We have been together for 4 years!! Is he just having trouble adjusting to married life or could he be a coward that is only now owning up to the nagging doubts?
Wow!!! I’ve never heard it put so well. The same thing is happing in my life an I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you do. You are so blessed with a gift that could only come from God. Again THANK YOU!!!!!!
i just want to if he didn`t love me also he isn`t in love bt curies about knowing i love him or not he likes me to love him but no more love towards me what should i do plz coach rinatta tell me
We are all on our best behavior in the beginning.
So many of us don’t stop to really let that reality sink in. We have this “ideal” in our heads of what we want it to be, and want to believe it will get better, but…
searchingwithin’s last blog post..How Will We Love?
You’re so right about men being on their best behavior early on. It’s funny, because if a woman were exhibiting this behavior it would be obvious to women that she wasn’t that in to him, but we don’t see it so clearly when men behave that way.
Rinatta:
Is it possible that it is just not the right “time”? I have had experiences where perhaps I have met someone, we saw eachother for a little and then things didnt progress. A few months later for one reason or another the same person contacted me and for one reason or another (maybe they were ready??) the dating and relationship progressed even better (again– maybe they were willing to put in the time? Maybe they realized they didnt give themselves enough time to get to know you? etc..etc.. Im asking this because it does seem that this He’s either into you or not is very black and white and just wondering if it makes sense that maybe if you/we as women just let it be (without obsessing of course) and without pressure etc… that perhaps that guy will just come our way on his own? Not saying to sit around and wait for it but if you feel you had a good date and you came across in your best demeanor and he just didnt call or text back…. it has to do with him more than ourselves and perhaps if and when he is ready he will remember that nice girl he had a date with and be willing to give it a chance (thats if we are still around 😉
What are your thoughts on this?
Absolutely! I always say you know even if only subconsciously what will be the downfall of the relationship in the first couple dates. Listen to what your heart tells you. THANKS RINATTA!
Thank you Tracey. It’s uncanny, but I think people often know what the downfall maybe in the first 15 minutes. If they would only trust themselves.
And thanks for commenting Jodi. Nagging feeling, anxiety, doubts…It’s best if what you feel is interest, curiosity, calm – then you know something good might happen.
Rinatta- Once again you’ve hit the mark. I think people should focus on these things because they surface early on. In “early” relationships they are are subtle but they are definitely there. I think its best described as that nagging feeling you get when something is off.