Research has discovered that we experience emotional pain as physical pain. This means that when you are experiencing heartache, your heart actually does hurt – well, perhaps not your heart, but something in your body does hurt, and badly. You know this already, because when you feel heartache or anxiety or frustration, it hurts.
In my practice I have noticed people often have a very low tolerance for the pain of heartache – they want to make it go away as fast as possible. And this is understandable. When you have a headache, you want to take an aspirin; and if your body hurts, you want to rest, sleep or go to the doctor to find out what’s wrong.
It’s true – physical pain often does indicate something is wrong with our bodies. Emotional pain is different however, even if we experience it physically. The best way to deal with emotional pain is to feel it, without making it better, because great gifts are on the other side of feeling that pain.
In order to understand exactly what I mean, let’s first look at how we behave when we are in pain.
Since physical pain is indication of something gone wrong in the body, you might feel some anxiety or worry about having the pain. You may wonder if you are OK. You want the pain to stop, wonder if and when it will stop, and try to make a plan for how to end it.
Same thing happens with emotional pain. You may feel heartbreak or loneliness or even frustration and wonder if you are going to be OK. You feel anxiety about the pain and wonder if the pain will ever stop and if you are going to survive it.
Do you want help dealing with your heartache or emotional pain? I can support and guide you in both learning how to tolerate your pain, but also in reducing it effectively.
Experience being coached by me in the 30-minute Get Clarity Coaching Session to see what coaching can do for you.
The interesting thing is that you do survive it, every time.
Think about the last time you felt emotional pain.
Perhaps the last time was about a second ago, or perhaps a fairly long time, regardless, put yourself back there for a moment. Now let me ask you a question. Was your body OK while you were feeling that pain? Were any parts of you bleeding or falling off? Were you able to feel emotional pain, but still go to the bathroom, walk and talk?
Emotional pain is not like physical pain. It can be debilitating in that it can take away your desire to do things such as eat, walk, talk, function, but it does not prevent you from actually doing those things. While physical pain is sometimes a signal that something is very wrong, this is not exactly the case with emotional pain. That is why you do not need to be afraid of emotional pain. It is not going to kill you. It is not going to cripple you. It is not going to blind you. It does hurt, but with no real harm to your body.
Emotional pain is different from physical pain in another way. Physical pain often needs outside intervention to make it go away. You may need to take a pain reliever, change your diet, go see a doctor, have an operation, bandage the hurt part, etc. Emotional pain will go away if you feel it. Often you have to do nothing else. But if you do not feel, it can linger for a lifetime while you take many actions to avoid feeling it.
This means that when you feel anxiety about feeling heartache, and worry about how you are going to make it go away, and try to make plans about how you are going to alter circumstances and situations and people so that you stop feeling pain, stop. Remind yourself that nothing bad will happen if you feel pain, and it will subside after you allow yourself to feel it. You don’t need to do anything to deal with emotional pain. Instead, you need to be with it.
Deal with emotional pain by delving into it, making friends with it, feeling it until it stops and you are on the other end of it. If you able to do this, there will be gold on the other end.
Here is the gold at the end of emotional pain. Imagine the freedom you would have if you were no longer afraid of feeling emotional pain. If you were single you might be willing to get out there and date more, because you would know you could tolerate the pain of rejection and the pain of not meeting the right person. Or perhaps you would choose to be single and happy, knowing that you could tolerate the pain of loneliness.
If you were in a relationship that wasn’t going fast enough you would either be more patient because you knew you could tolerate the pain of waiting, or you would get out because you knew that you could tolerate the pain of letting go and being alone.
If you were married or in a long-term relationship, you would perhaps speak up for yourself more because you knew that you could tolerate the pain of your partner’s rejection or his or her displeasure with you. Or perhaps you would get closer to your partner because you knew that you could tolerate the anxiety you feel at allowing someone to get close to you.
If you were going through a breakup or a divorce you could allow the relationship to end because you would know you could tolerate the grief and sorrow of letting go and the temporary loneliness.
Do you see the power you could have over your emotional life if you were able to tolerate emotional pain rather than being afraid of it? It can be truly astounding how much easier and more peaceful life becomes when you are no longer afraid of feeling pain.
It’s true that no one wants to feel emotional pain, but as it is a part of life and unavoidable, better to know that you can tolerate it and get through it than to be afraid of it.
Now for the specifics of how to tolerate emotional pain.
Try the meditation below the next time you are suffering from heartache. But please keep in mind, this is only one tool in the vast set of tools for dealing with emotional pain. If the meditation below does not fit you, or does not help you feel better enough, I invite you set up a personal Problem Solver coaching session with me, where I will give you a set of tools to use specific to you and your pain.
Meditation instructions: You can use the meditation once a day, many times a day, or pick a favorite line and use it as constant mantra to help you cope with pain.
Or perhaps use this meditation as a template and create a few lines that fit your circumstances best. Feel free to leave your version below in comments.
(I have loosely based this meditation on meditations from the Blooming of a Lotus by Thich Nhat Hanh.)
Instructions: Read this to yourself slowly and breathe.
Feeling pain in my heart, I breathe in.
Suffering from the pain in my heart, I breathe out.
Feeling my heart breaking, I breathe in.
Feeling as if my heart will break in two, I breathe out.
Feeling the pain is too great to live with, I breathe in.
Feeling as if the pain is going to swallow me up, I breathe out.
Feeling hurt, I breathe in.
Finding hurt where I want love, I breathe out.
Feeling frustration and anger, I breathe in.
Feeling frustration and anger boiling inside, I breathe out.
Wanting things to be different, I breathe in.
Wanting to change him/her, I breathe out.
Wanting attention, I breathe in.
Craving attention, I breathe out.
Wanting gentle touch, I breathe in.
Wanting loving touch, I breathe out.
Feeling I am not good enough, I breathe in.
Seeing nothing good about me, I breath out.
Feeling shame about my body, I breathe in.
Feeling that I am unlovable, I breathe out.
Feeling that no one loves me, I breathe in.
Suffering from not feeling loved, I breathe out.
Feeling frustration, I breathe in.
Feeling fear, I breathe out.
Being afraid that nothing will ever change, I breathe in.
Wanting love in my life, I breathe out.
Feeling fear that I will not have what I want, I breathe in.
Feeling fear and anxiety, I breathe out.
Noticing that I am OK, I breathe in.
Noticing that I am OK, I breathe out.
{ 240 comments }
My pain is not with a relationship. It is for the loss of a companion. No one would understand. I merely want to join him where he is now. Life without him has little meaning. Each day should be a gift but I don't see it as such. each day is merely another day survived without him. Stupid, some say. They don't understand -and never will understand. And still, life goes on. Day after day.
I experienced my first break-up quite just under 12 months ago, and a mistake I made in the early weeks and months was to try to ‘pull myself together’ before I’d properly allowed myself to fall apart. Even as my boyfriend was breaking up with me, I was already picturing myself being back on track by Christmas. “Give me three months” I decided (and may have even said out loud) “and I’ll be out the other side of this situation even stronger than before.”
Well, a little like people describe childbirth, I couldn’t have believed how painful things were about to get. I couldn’t have believed it was possible for humans to go survive such a thing, having only heard about it and never actually experienced it for myself. I got quite a shock.
I hope it won’t discourage anyone on this page if I tell you that I still wasn’t better by February, I still wasn’t better by April, and in fact June and July were possibly the darkest months in the whole experience – yes, ALL that time later. I felt quite ashamed about that at the time.
But crucially, I was still living under this misconception that I could somehow fast track my recovery by refusing to fall apart. Or if I started to fall apart, to pretend to myself and to the whole world that I wasn’t.
Or (and I did this A LOT) whenever I experienced a better day, where the pain was bearable and I found myself walking down the street enjoying the sunshine, I’d totally congratulate myself for defeating it. “THANK GOD” I’d say to myself, “I’m on the other side of all that s**t. I thought it would never end. PHEW! Onwards…”
Then a few days later, I’d be back at square one (meaning the pain came back), only now it was worse because now I was convinced I’d failed at being better. (Go through this cycle enough times and you’ll ruin your own self-esteem far quicker than any ex could…)
This was the wrong approach. I no longer believe in some magical moment when “BING! Congratulations. You made it to the other side. It’s all over for you now. You can start being a success again.” For nearly a year, all that kept me going was waiting for that moment, and what’s worse is I was kind of putting everything on hold waiting for that moment to arrive.
What I should have done is exactly what this article says. Embrace the pain. Don’t block it, or be totally desperate for it to go away. Accept that it’s around, accept that it’s going to be accompanying you from now on, but that that’s ok. And with pain comes fear, and a little exhaustion. But that’s ok too. Because the only way it can really harm you is if you don’t adapt and say yes to it.
That’s what I’ve been trying for the past month or so, and I’m finally planning that big trip I’ve been saving up for – even if I do feel completely petrified about doing it on my own. Today I sent a brief, friendly text message to my ex for no other reason than something fun reminded me of him and I felt like saying hi. For the first time ever I didn’t get a response. It hurt. But it’s ok. I tried this meditation, and by the end of it I was laughing… I’m not sure if that was supposed to happen, but it felt good anyway.
xx
So i recently broke up with my partner about a month ago. We were together for around a year and before our relationships were very close friends. This guy has been a very special part of my life for three years now. He has not only been my bestfriend, but someone that i really came to depend on, i trusted him with anything that i told him and i felt that he would always be there for me and would never hurt me. So a month ago i got a message in the middle of the day during a class that he wanted to see me the following day to discuss some issues. I knew instantly what he meant and so i said to him what is it about? and he further sent me a few long messages about breaking up with me and not having feelings for me anymore. I still had another four hours of university left and the last thing i wanted to do was start crying in the middle of school. I can tell you right now it has to be one of the most painful experiences hiding something like that. So once i finished uni, i spent the entire night locked in my room, making myself sick from crying and trying to call/text him about what was going on and the only answer he could give me was “that i just lost feelings…i dont love you anymore”. I think to hear those words from someone that just the day before had told me that he didn’t want anyone else to call his own, it literally shot a hole in my chest. To cut a long story short, we have kept in contact, something i need help changing. This past month, after a week of us breaking up he was already dating another girl, he told me on our would be annerversary (14 months) about this girl, and that she gave him butterflies and he really liked her. The next couple of weeks, he has been treating me quite badly, he will message me and it will always end up in a fight and the blame comes straight back on me. He even got upset that i was going to a club one night. I know that i am stupid, and that i am doing this too myself. But i need help, im trying to distract myself but the ego inside of me to talk to him, to need him back is so strong and im having so much trouble controlling it. I still havent come to terms with everything because he was someone that i trusted so much and i never expected for him to do anything like this too me. Not necessarily the breaking up part, but how he did. How he treated me before and after the break up. The new girl even though he says it wasnt because of her. I just feel like i need to hate him or something, but i just cant. I cant stop loving him and wanting him. He was my bestfriend, and even that is an understatement. He was litterally my other half. and when he left i felt like he took half of me with him. I know i sound like a stupid heart broken girl. But i know that i do, and i dont want to be like this! I just don’t know how to just move on, and i know its time and small steps. But its been a month and yea ive stopped crying and the pain has eased, but the longing for him hasn’t one bit. And other guys have shown me attention and ive had a couple of encounters with guys but every time i get so upset because its not him. Im quite an independent person, so this is literally a cry for help. because i just don’t know what to do anymore… Thank you if you have read this. I appreciate you reading my silly whining… but i guess its true…love does make you go all stupid…
I just have to say that this meditation changed my life. A year ago, I was completely devistated by the break up of a relationship. I was in emotional torture, and completely obsessed. Needless to say, it has been difficult to get past the pain. This meditation helped me to be present in the moment, lean into the pain instead of running from it, let it move through me and pass. This was truly life changing because it helped me realize on an intuitive level that I am not my obsessed mind. I am far more than that…. the conscious eternal presence that witnesses all of life and is part of each of us. I am not a religious person, but this experience has caused me to recognize the spiritual nature of humanity and life, and to gain the freedom to know I don’t have to be afraid of getting hurt. I have the tools and ability to move beyond my emotional pain. Thank you Rinatta!
Hello
i have been looking for ways and reading material to try to cope with
the emotional pain i am now going through. I was in a 8 year relationship with a women, things went bad and we split for 3 months, i called her to and work things out. She was willing but she was also involved with someone already, it hurt to know this. Knowing she has been intimate with someone in such a short time, she did let him go and we were
together again, she now lives in a apartment after our first split.
To make a long story short and get to the point. We have together
for 6 months again but she did not want to be intimate with me, she
would reject me every time i tried to be close to her, i was loving helping
her with her apartment, showed in every way possible that I
loved her and wanted to be by her side always. The rejection i
felt was taking a toll on me and asked her if she was no longer
attracted to me, she said she loves me but the things in her life
have changed. I could not take the rejection anymore and told her
i can not be in a relationship if i am the only one trying, she said
she wanted different things in her life now. And did not care what
anyone thought, i had asked her numerous times if she wanted to be
with someone else, she said she did not want that and did not want
another mans problems in her life. Things were not getting better and
decided to separate again only to find out she was in bed with another guy in less than a week! The pain i feel seems unbearable, that one thing
i wanted from her she so easily gives it to someone else. I know i could
never take her back after this but the pain i feel is so overwhelming
i have been beating my friends an family with this heartache and
they are sick of me beating myself up over this. My self esteem is
in the toilet, and the humiliation i feel seems unbearable. If you
could give me some tools to focus on letting go of this pain would
be greatly appreciated. I am a good person an work hard i am told i am
good looking and have alot to offer a women, then why do i feel like
i can not get over this heartache, it seems to just stagnant in me i want
so much to put this behind me and move on. I just want to close this
door behind me and put this behind me, i just don’t know why it is
so hard.
hey , wow thank you for sharing that with us all.. you were so honest and have courage to share this … I wish I could give you the solution but what can I say .. I have been through being in that hell.. and it took time … alot of time ..
Maybe you could ask divine wisdom to help you , to give you some guidance and to help you to move forwards…
Maybe write her a letter with all the things you want to say but not to send , you can burn it after , but maybe help a little.. as for the self esteem, I have been told so many times that good regular exercise is good for self esteem. Remember to do loving things for yourself, like positive gentle affirmations, a nice massage, and maybe a nice holiday in nature, remembering the beauty in the world.. and allow your self to cry as this is a compassionate act I hear..
let your friends love and support you , be open to receiving that love…
be creative with your hurt and anger and sadness etc… Paint , write, sing, find a passion you love!! Give time time , these thing take time … things will change eventually,one day at a time . know you are not alone, we all go through this, all of us…. Keep believing in your self and believe that there are gifts in all suffering , stay open and be kind to your self 🙂
let your self feel what you need to feel , we can’t hide from how things are.. eventually things will change shades 🙂
I have recently broke up with my boyfriend and I just feel like dying inside. Im going to take these step in order to gt rid of my broken heart, I am pretty unhappy and ust want to get happier.
~ Mackenna Monday
to feel pain is normal.. its our attitude towards pain that is not normal sometimes..
many times, i have been brokenhearted, but i just realize that i gained from that experience. i learned that life is all about standing up not falling down… i really believe that the best way to vanish pain is to feel but not dwelling on it so much because you will never be reaching the point of moving on.
Great advice 🙂
The meditation is really good and I agree with the idea of feeling it. Feeling is healing. It does get tiresome. What I’ve done on occasion is comitt to two or three healing days. These days usually included a lot of soltitude and hikes through a quiet area in a large park or by the ocean. Often, I would pack a lunch and bring appropriate music with headphones. Lunch would ensure I could go my own way, certain music really helps purge sorrow, and walking at various speeds is very good for clearing of the mind and creating tranquility.
If I’ve already said this, why did I get asked to do it twice. I thought this was supposed to be fun and interesting-not psychological torment. Got enough of that now-Thanks.
The meditation is really good and I agree with the idea of feeling it. Feeling is healing. It does get tiresome. What I’ve done on occasion is comitt to two or three healing days. These days usually included a lot of soltitude and hikes through a quiet area in a large park or by the ocean. Often, I would pack a lunch and bring appropriate music with headphones. Lunch would ensure I could go my own way, certain music really helps purge sorrow, and walking at various speeds is very good for clearing of the mind and creating tranquility.
Liked the meditation and I agree with your philosophy. What I have done in times of emotional hurt is to do a feeling walk. Somewhere quiet and preferrably rural or at least woodsy I would pack a lunch and go out for a walk and some self time to feel my pain thoroughly. Walking helps somehow and the soltitude helps me regain a sense of friendship with me. Headphones with a certain type of music is also a good emotional catharsis.
hello. it made me feel better that my anxiety comes from my pain. I could never understand the intensity of my anxiety. I simply throw up when I can’t take the pain. I’ve never reallyheard of anyone that thia happens to. I haven’t been able to eat because I know I’ll just vomit. this morning I vomitted my gastric juices bexause I had nothingin my stomach. I am so afraid of losing the person I’m with even though its inevitable since he’s leaving the country for four years. and it mostly hurts because I had known this for a while, he leaves a month from now. he used to tell me that we would make it work. and now he’s telling me he doesn’t even wanna try. I can’t just enjoy this last month with the thought of that in ky head. I want to so much but I cant help throwing up.and I can’t help myself from feeling that my heart is breaking. I just feel lied to. is that irrational? well, ithas made me feel better to read that I’m sort of not alome. I know I’ll get through this but I just don’t know how to cope with the vomit so it doesn’t come back in later relationships..
I m going tru a very ruf time. It feels as if there is no meaning to b alive as the person I loved most and d person I made my inspiration left my side. The pain is so strong that its impossible to breath. But my past experience has tot me sum lssn and now i blv facing d pain instd of bnf afraid of it helps a great deal. But still a pain is a pain no matter what and none of us want to bear this alone. I hope there will light awaiting me at d end of the tunnel.
May god blz u for the wndrful job ua doing.
thanks and much love.
P.S writtng dwn d flngs rlly helps.
I have been married for 30 years and we have three lovely children .The middle girl revealed a few years ago that she was gay and I have come to accept the situation whereas my wife has virtually written her off.I feel my daughters pain and unfortunately I have seen a side of my wife in relation to lack of tolerance and hardness that is eating at me to the point where I think about the situation most days.I crave for a loving and close family and this is very very important to me.I feel that I am in the middle of the conflict and work hard to try and keep the situation at a manageable level for all…I have tried to talk to my wife but the lack of care about the situation is distressing.I have told her how much pain I am in and said, probably wrongly, that if she was in that much pain I would do anything to fix it..I feel I do need help.I am an intelligent person but I cannot think my way thru this situation…any help would be appreciated
I dnt knw if I can handle this pain anymore, am tired!
fine about the whole freedom thing. but what if i am not sure to survive the next strike without freaking out?
Part of defeating these problems which afflict us is trusting in yourself and believing in yourself that you will be okay. If you have to start from scratch every single time, it doesn’t matter, for you are still a survivor. Keep this in mind and eventually it will start to stick.
I tried the meditation, but it makes me feel much worse. It is not true that emotions won’t kill you. I keep debating whether I should just end my life, because I cannot stand the pain any longer. But I live for my son’s sake. My antidepressant isn’t working anymore and my Dr. can’t come up with any other ideas for meds.
My husband won’t even try to make things better–won’t even talk. We haven’t slept together for 10 years. Our son (also prone to depression) became dangerously depressed when we tried to split before, so we stopped moving forward with the divorce. What can I do to cope with this while I wait it out for him to be strong enough? He is 12.
In psychology, there are things called “maladaptive thoughts.” These are negative thoughts that keep us depressed or otherwise dysfunctional. They pervade our minds when we are at our worst. First and foremost, you have to reconsider your statement “it’s not true that emotions won’t kill you.” Your emotions are in a negative state right now and so thoughts of suicide follow. But these emotions won’t be what kill you. The choice to end everything is what would kill you. I too have struggled with suicidal tendencies for the past 11 years, but I could never actually go through with it because I know that it’s not right. When I have a serious struggle with my negativity, I try to step back and toss some logic into the mess.
Do you believe that it is right to kill yourself? My guess is that you probably don’t. Thoughts of suicide are an escape mechanism. It’s resistance to the pain…
But what I am finding out, in my deepest pit of despairs, is that if we face what we resist, it makes us stronger. Do you want to be stronger? You have to first let go of ideas like “I want to be, but I can’t.” Any reasoning behind “I can’t” is just your brain keeping up the mechanisms that it is used to using. Once you realise this, you will see.
Also, do not expect your son to become strong enough. Not because he won’t ever be strong enough, but it sounds like you have the urge to end it all as soon as you feel that your son would be okay, and this is one such maladaptive thought. You must ride it out with him.
Keep in mind that I am no psychologist or therapist. I’m just a 27-year-old who thinks too much.
In my opinion: Staying married for the sake of the children seems hardly worthwhile. The two adults are miserable together and this is what the child sees while growing up. I would think that separating might be painful, but your son would grow stronger because of it and learn that life is like that. But if you stay married for your son’s sake alone, you might only serve to shelter him from sadness too much and he will not be able to cope with his own sadness in his future… But if you go through the sadness rather than resist it, there is light on the other side. Your son will learn this too. It’s scary, but the emotional trauma of marriage and divorce is harmless to your body in that it does not stop your heart, it does not break your spine, it does not clot your arteries. It just really, really hurts. But in a situation like this, you have to let go.
I hope this seems helpful and I am sorry that you are going through this. I’m going through a breakup myself right now (see below) and all I wanted to do was kill myself and hide from everything, but I decided: “I want to be a stronger person. I am tired of being a slave to my fears. It takes a stronger person to overcome all of this bullshit that I didn’t deserve, so I will strive to be that stronger person. I *want* to be that stronger person.” You can do it too. You just have to analyze your thought patterns and start ignoring the fearful, maladaptive thoughts: The ones that only lead to feeling trapped. They do you no good. Try to think of thoughts that might be helpful, even if you feel helpless, alone, inadequate, unable, or unhappy with them. Try to think of thoughts that would be helpful to think.
There’s a happier life waiting for you if you can just break through this without caving in and ending it all. And there are others like you who are going through similar things. It may not be as severe as yours and it may be more severe than yours, but you are not alone. You’re just unseen at the moment.
Anunomus, you need to do much more than just cope! Your son very much needs you to model how to be happy. Happiness is an inside job and you can get there regardless of what’s happening in your life.
But you must want happiness more than you want suffering.
We often suffer in hopes that someone will save us, give us what we want or make life easier. Unfortunately this does not work. If we choose to suffer what we have is suffering.
I urge you to choose life, and choose to be fully alive and present, for your own sake and for the sake of your child.
I would start by reading books about people who have thrived despite adversity, such as Nelson Mandela, and the Dalai Lama.
Thank you both for taking the time to answer my comment. I will look at those books… I’ve seen a lot of adversity–18 years of being abused and watching my mother be abused by an alcoholic, and the last ten years of a marriage from hell.
I know i need to leave this marriage somehow. My son’s mental health is the first priority, but there is also a house to sell, a degree to finish, and a job to find –my job only pays $18,000/year. If I try to go back home, while my father has passed away, the brother who assaulted me as a child is there. I cannot face that.
I was homeless at 18 and I made a vow to myself to never be homeless again. So I made a plan to leave when my son is strong enough. Plans takes time, and in this case suffering… which is why I searched and found this page. So I could try to cope with the suffering while I dig my way out of this.
But there are times that I think about ending it. I’m so tired of struggling. I am sick. Exhausted. I have a chronic illness. I will have no healthcare for this illness if I leave. Then what?
Whether dying is right or wrong, at least the agony would stop. But I live for my son. I don’t want to hurt him. I’m over 40 and I had hoped for something better in this life. When I look back, all I see is pain, failure and betrayal.
I would suggest to support your son and simultanously prepare things (and your husband) for the time when the divorce can be set into action. For yourself it might be helpfull to make the divorce and what will follow it something that you can look foreward to — freedom to do things you want to do, to meet people you enjoy being with and so on. And always remember that you cannot help anyone
a) if you need help yourself (so you are right to do everything that puts you into good conditions as long as you do not threaten anyone else);
and
b) who does not want to be helped (so if your husband refuses to do anything to improve your relationship which came to be destructive for you, make sure to get out of the whole thing — it might be tricky, but good for both of you after all (my parents just went through such a situation and now it is easier for them to cope with each other))
Good luck and don’t give up.
I had a girlfriend who made me profoundly happy. And I her. We were both good for each other. But the stress of living in an economy had apparently taken more of a toll on her. She told me she had fallen out of love with me and it was extremely sudden and out of the blue… I try not to analyse it too much, because none of it makes any sense. We were together for about two and a half years and she told me she almost got sent to boarding school because of her feelings for me (she is 8 years younger than I am, but I promise our love was genuine and I was not taking advantage of her).
I was shocked. I’m still in shock really, and reading this has helped me to start releasing the hurt and to cry–to *really* cry. I’ll once in a while break down, but it stops almost immediately after it starts. This was cathartic.
I know that I was negative about being trapped in a corporate job and feeling enslaved to it and it probably stressed her out, but I didn’t realize just how badly. I never directed my negativity at her… she just seemed disappointed that she couldn’t ‘fix me.’ I dunno. Analysing it only brings on more anxiety, because I’ll never really understand and it only hurts when I can come up with a hypothesis. I know that I shouldn’t be assigning blame and I do not want to resort to my former, childish ways of cutting ties. I want to be a better person and retain a friendship, but it’s hard, especially when she doesn’t seem as bothered. Especially when it looks like she’s already moving on… I struggle to avoid the hope that she will someday want me back, because I know I need to focus on healing and learning to be happy and all for the right reasons, but it’s hard to avoid the hopefulness. She is young and I know young girls change, (she is 19 now), but she had convinced me that she had been left for such reasons before and she could never do that to someone. I had every reason to believe that this couldn’t possibly happen.
I was good to her and cared for her. She was good to me and cared for me. I was stressed, but it was worthwhile to me because I had her in my life. I do not think these things are unhealthy, especially when they are verbally appreciated voluntarily by her for the entire relationship.
I know that I will find love someday because I am a good person. I have learned to identify maladaptive thoughts, but actually forcing them out of my mind is a different challenge. I have the wisdom and knowledge of what’s what, but *feeling* the wisdom and knowledge is something I haven’t experienced before, and so I struggle… I can’t help but miss her. I want her back. I want her to want me back. There are other fish in the sea and I can easily believe that many of them would be better for me and maybe even make me happier… but I can’t stop missing her. I was a part of her family.
Reading the posts of some of these ladies here compels me to wonder if she will experience similar thoughts and want me back after all. I can’t act on it, but I can’t stop hoping for it.
I just want her back. I just want her back…
I left my job and the entire state to return to my mother who needed help with personal issues. I have helped immensely, such that the loss of my relationship ultimately led me to saving my mother and brother. Worthwhile? I hate to say it, but probably. But still…
I am working on gaining the skills to acquire a better paying job which isn’t as stressful. I am working on my mind and body to attain some sort of enlightenment (I’m very close–my heart is my last weakness). I will return to the state with the intention of undoing what was originally an attempt to cut ties with everything and everyone I knew that would remind me of her. I don’t want to be enslaved to my fear anymore. I am letting go of the maladaptive thoughts “how will I ever trust anyone again? This has happened before. I wonder what she tells her family and friends.” Because I feel it is the stronger thing to do. But at this moment, I feel rather inferior and ashamed and foolish…
But I can’t help but wonder what she will think if she sees me again. I just can’t let myself go back with her in mind. I say now that I would forgive her, but I struggle with disillusionment and presently fear that I’ll have a hard time wondering why I went through so much. I know that’s not what it’s about, but… stupid human feelings. :/ I just want her back…
I leave her alone and simply remain neutral and friendly. There is much anger behind my hurt, but I refuse to act on it, because my maladaptive impulses are to burn bridges and cut ties. For the sake of coming out of this hurt with a stronger heart and mind, I cannot let myself do this… I do not directly converse with her. We just share mutual friends on facebook. She probably feels a lot of guilt and my vengeful, hurt side even wishes this upon her, but my better side tells me this is wrong and so I stamp it out–that nobody deserves to be shackled under so much guilt, especially after reading the posts from women on here who have done what she has done. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you can find peace. I want to be truly forgiving, for it makes me a stronger person. …but I still want her back… and I want her to want me back…
I had the most amazing relationship for a year with a guy i met. He cared for me, left every bad habit he had for me, told his friends and family about me. I was sure he was the one i would spend my life with. But a year into our relationship, i went on a date with another guy. i kissed this other guy. But after that i couldn’t face my love anymore. I would die inside when he told me he loved me, so i told him everything. I was young and an idiot. My boyfriend reacted as any guy would, he was hurt and completely cut all ties with me. I begged for his forgiveness, told him i would do anything to get back together with him, for him to take me back. And he did. But he did something else then, he got the second guy to start flirting with me again and would get reports on everything i was saying to this second guy. Once when all the flirting was getting too much i told the second guy i did have feelings for him, but i will not pursue them. I did not tell my boyfriend about this converstation. But when i went to meet him, he already knew. He beat me up. then told me he knew everything and that i had lied to him again. he blackmailed me and told me he would keep torturing me forever. For months i did everything i could to get him to love me again. But he changed. He beat me up if he saw me even talking to another guy, called me names. but he still kept telling me he cared for me and still loved me. i stayed with him and believed that i still loved him. But nothing was ever the same again. We are now two years into the relationship and i know that he has cheated on me countless times. He lies to me all the time and has no time or attention to give me. Yet every time i tell him i want to break it off he begs me to stay. We’ve had “breakups” for a long time now but keep getting back together. But yesterday, something broke inside me. i decided i could handle no more. I did not say anything to him as i know if i even talk to him again i’ll want to go back. Im ignoring his calls and messages, and the hurt is too great to bear. But i am doing the best i can. I keep thinking we’ll get back together but i dont want to. i still love him with all my heart, but this relationship is like a virus. Its eating me up from the inside for over a year now. i don’t know how i’ll handle the hurt of not being with him and i know he won’t let me go easily. I just hope i can stop hurting and thinking about him.
I truly believe in everything your saying and by the time I finished reading the last word of what you wrote, I got life in the palm of my hands. I wasn’t sure that feeling emotional pain is the only best cure one can get and no one can make emotional pain go away from you unless you do so yourself, for behind it lies pure joy and happiness. You won’t be afraid to face the world because one thing for sure is that you’ll be knowing that great happiness comes from facing the truth and the nature of life.
*A heart without God is an empty heart, it doesn’t know anything about humanity* , if God didn’t want us to feel the pain he wouldn’t have given us a heart, and thanks for the meditation technique it truly cools and heals a burning hurt. I just realised that people think that emotional pain will never go away, they always try as hard as they can to find something that will quickly take it away and not realising that they are doing even more harm, if you fight it, you won’t win against it, because it doesn’t fight with you, it helps you understand life, and by the time it goes away people don’t even realise that it’s gone they think that it is still there.
I THINK THAT’S LIFE IN GENERAL.
I let go of someone I love and now I’ve lost him and it hurts. We fell in love, but it’s long distance, and when it became too hard *we agreed* we had to end it, and we weren’t going to end it unless the agreement was mutual. We’ve been close for 5-6 years -best friends for years before we fell in love, and were together officially for over two years. Breaking up was so hurtful and sad for us, and not because it was a bad breakup, but because circumstances prevented us from being together they way we’d wished. I coped with the pain of the breakup by rebounding and dating someone before I was ready to move on and while the pain was still fresh, and whom I was open with that my heart belonged elsewhere. My bf that I’d just broken up with – it killed him to know I’d so quickly dated someone else so he coped with it, naturally, by cutting off those feelings and letting me go, and by telling himself that I’d moved on and was no longer in love with him. Problem was…I hadn’t moved on nor fallen out of love. I’d just distracted myself with another guy so that I could ignore the hurt. And this guy was the total opposite – where I once had the most loving, kindest, sweetest person who has been more gentle with me than anyone, I was now dating a jerk who, within less than two months, continued to lie and make excuses for why he couldn’t spend time with me, or even call or text me at least once a week. I’d made excuses for his behavior, and refused to believe he was just so uncaring. In my head, he was just like the guy I was in love with – certainly things would be like that. But, they weren’t. And all the while I did not realize how much this was hurting me, and how much my love was suffering because through it all he kept a brave face, pretended to be okay, and never showed his feelings had changed so he could help push my life forward. He loves me that much. It killed him inside, yet he wouldn’t show it so that I can move on and have a life. And when I snapped back to reality I realized that during the time I was dating (or not really dating, but ignoring the bad rship situation I put myself in) I never dealt with the pain of the breakup. I came back into reality to find that the person who’d I spent so much of my life with for so many years was beginning to fall out of love and had no desire to be with me. Through just a few months, he’d moved on…and I’ve lost him. I’ve cried to him and begged him to love me again, and he’s not the least bit stirred. He’s blocked out what once existed between us to cope and now there’s nothing but a barrier. I’m sure I might get chewed out for being silly or selfish, but there were things I had to learn about myself that being in the relationship prevented. I had so many fears that held back so many things, and now I would do anything to make the relationship work…but he doesn’t want me. You would think I’d have listened to all those poems and songs and movies, etc, that warn to never let a love like that go. Our situation was kind of unique, because even visiting each other would have broken the bank. So it was hard to figure out how it would logistically work. But I now see where decisions could have been made on my end, or fears could have been let go, in order for us to move forward. I understand why he moved on, and I know him…I know how he copes with things and defends against hurt. Doesn’t matter that for both us this was the most amazing relationship – it’s gone now. Of all the things that could have ended the relationship, the things that we’ve have been accepting in each other, dating that other guy after the breakup is what caused him to decide to move on, and I understand it…it’s plain and simple. But our relationship was not simple but he’s managed to make every single feeling disappear…Am I being selfish? People breakup and makeup all the time over worse things. Our breakup was not bad, it just hurt. And I’m going through so many emotions..ok today, not ok yesterday. I feel selfish for trying to hold on, but then it also happens that people who breakup do get back together, and sometimes one person fights for it and it works. I guess I have to move on, but I just needed to get it out.
Hello, Many people tell that wanting your ex back is being selfish. But I personally do not think so. Its purely a state where in you have fully realised your mistakes and are now strong enough to not repeat them. Its just like asking for a second chance.
I just lost someone I am in love with due to distance as well. Along with my best friend of course. Since January I’ve been begging and pleading to try.. to not force our feelings to go away, etc. Mine are still strong and willing to go through the time apart, but unfortunately I am the only one interested in doing so. I have no idea how to emotionally handle this. It’s not like someone did something wrong. It feels like a tragedy and my tears are always on the surface, even after all this time. I’ve been asked to not make contact for at least 4 months, so that we can heal, but I just can’t find any comfort in going through this. It makes me an emotional wreck. Not to mention I’ve eaten about 10 pounds, so I don’t even feel like I look good. The only thing I can say that helps me get by, is every day I try to do one little thing to spark some feeling of happiness in me. It could be the tiniest thing, but it’s something that I made happen. It helps me to rely on myself and it helps me to find the beauty in healing. sometimes it’s picking a flower (or even a weed). sometimes it’s feeding a pidgeon. One time I even threw crumbs around an ant trail… silly, but it was effective. They responded and I wasn’t thinking about me for a second. Also, one last thing… I have found that when I go through a heart ache in the past, I will buy a really great pair of shoes that I always wanted. That way every day when I get up, I can count on feeling good when I put my favorite shoes on! (mine happen to be merrells walking shoes) Hang in there, all of us! We are not alone!!! 🙂
hello all.. let me share my experience. I have been dealing with a heartache.. for the past 4 years it has repeated itself over and over. She comes back and leaves me with no real explanation. The last time she came back into my life, money was involved. I felt to win her for good was to show her the man that i am. To make her feel comfortable and be there for her emotionally and financially. I paid for everything in her life, for her and her kids. 4 months later, she decided to walk away….. from all the advice’s in the world that told me not to conquer a person with money.. i did the opposite. I did it out my heart, my feelings and the love i had for her. 4 years of back and forth roller coaster of this so called relationship, it has been a rough one. I’m not afraid to admit it, it has physically and emotionally drained me out at nights, i have let all my tears go when i am alone. I have begged her, called/texted her and pleaded for her to come back, pleaded her to give me a chance even when this was not my fault.. all i did was be there for her. She has ignored me in every level up to date.. i have learned in someway to value myself, to love myself a bit more. In my heart, deep inside, i know i tried.. i know i have tried… Thank you
Pleading never helps, I have myself learnt it from my experience. Infact it just worsens the situation.
It feels awful to whine, but it hurts so much. We have become study partners in nursing school, mostly because we have the same study habits and we get along so well. We laugh and talk alot about things not related to school and we work hard together on this thing that we both want to do. She’s so comfortable telling me about all of the very serious things in her life. She trusts me not to say anything to anyone else. If she were not married we may be able to be closer. I fell in love her and am happy that she has a wonderful home, things that keep her busy, people close to her and a man who seems to be taking good care of her. I could not give her the things that he can, the nice home in the country and the security she deserves.
Thank you for giving me permission to feel this pain. I guess that’s what I have to do. Embrace this heartache and hope that I can meet someone again who makes me feel the way she makes me feel.
I recently met and fell in love with a wonderful man. We had so much in common and I really thought this could be the one. He was so kind and talked about so many wonderful things we would do. He treated me so lovingly and then I started to feel him pull away. He wasn’t around as much, didn’t respond to my calls until the next day and didn’t feel enthusiastic to make plans with me. I asked him twice if there was someone else and he denied it, but that was how it was feeling. I would drive past his house on a Monday evening at 9:30 and his car would not be there. I mean, where are you at 9:30 on a Monday?? I would ask if he had a nice evening and he would not respond. Recently we had a disagreement and I was hurt by his behavior. He had not called me by 1:00pm and we had made plans to spend the day and I was waiting for him. When I sent him a text he said he had had too many beers out with friends the night before and forgot to call and that he was busy now but how about dinner later? Did I mention he is 46. Too many beers?? I had put the whole day aside and felt like I was being blow off. When I spoke to him later that day I was upset and asked about the behavior. He said he was bad at making plans and then mumbled something and hung up on me. I did not call him back. Not a week later when I drove past his house there was a strange car in the driveway at midnight and then again 2 days later that same car with laughing ( a girl’s) and music coming from the house. Why am I so heartbroken when obviously this person was deceiving me and has not given me a thought. I want to reach out to him so badly because I want another chance. I just cry every day. The pain is overwhelming. Why do I only think of the good times when his behavior is so obviously telling. Why do I lower my standards to hurt over someone who is already, 7 days later, sleeping with someone else. I really believe he cared for me, I don’t think it was fake. What happened in such a short amount of time? How do I make is stop hurting so badly?
I have had almost the exact same experience as you Blindsided. I’ve been hurt loads of times before but it never gets any easier. In fact when they seem totally besotted with you and then suddenly go cold on you it’s 100 times worse
This second time for some reason it hurts more than the first. I think it’s less about the actual person that has left me and more about the human race. Maybe I am naive but I never realised how cruel and heartless people can be. I feel the loneliness eating away at my soul and I am almost paralized with sadness.
I can feel all these emotions and let them happen and yes maybe they go away momentarily but they are still there below the surface tainting everything. If the opportunity arises for another relationship, I will no doubt brush myself off and start again and take another risk. But I really feel that the only way to stop feeling the pain of a broken relationship or loneliness is to have a cold and hard heart? To never allow yourself to feel love? That makes me feel even more sad and lonely!
You said it right when you said you did not know how cruel and heartless some people can be. I was just in a relationship for two years after being in a tumultuous relationship for 12 years. This new guy told me he was everything thing my ex wasn’t and I stood by him faithfully while he got his life in order. This man was everything I had wanted in a relationship, sweet, caring, romantic but he was not on the outgoing side which was the only down side.We planned a baby after I did not want any more kids but he promised he would be there for me and the baby cause he loved me. Around the time I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of this year is when I found out he was talking to other women and had cheated. I gave him another chance for our baby’s sake and I just knew things were going to work out. Well, not even a couple months later he had been texting another woman as soon as he left the house every morning all morning while he was at work. When I confronted him about it, he denied anything but stayed gone the whole weekend and when I saw that he was still texting and calling her while I was not around, he told me he would get his stuff and leave.
So now once again, I am alone with five kids. I would never say I am a perfect person but I am loving, faithful, compassionate,love life and never cheated. I question so many things in life because I do not understand why I have gone through so much pain and heartache. I hate to say that it is my choice in men but maybe it is. It would be easier to go on if I was not pregnant but I have to learn to deal with this the best that I can. Hopefully one day I might meet a great man but with five kids I feel like the odds are so against me now. I think the first thing I need to do is to learn to be happy without a man in order to love myself again.
Caroline, I fully agree with your opinion of having a cold and hard heart… had we been so we would have not even landed on this webpage. May God bless us with a hard, insensitive heart
Just a though.: A cold, hard heart is a grantee of a cold, hard life.
Deceipt is horrible to deal with. Even if you don’t want to be in the relationship. One time, I wanted out of a relationship and (shamefully) I couldn’t make the move. We had been together nearly 9 years, and it really was a nice relationship, we just had outgrown each other. Anyway, one day she came home and told me she had been having an affair with one of our friends and she was leaving. My friends could tell you that I was completely and utterly devastated for about 6 months. I wasn’t jealous at all and we all maintained a friendship, but it was the deceipt and also the rejection that hurt much worse than the parting. OH BTW.. we always find someone else who makes us happier ya know! it might take time, but there are others who know how to treat us right out there. I like to wait 6 months before “getting out there” again so eliminate some of my “baggage”. Besides I wouldn’t want to date someone just getting out of a relationship either. Reluctantly, I am meeting someone tomorrow at a beach/mudfest thing…. i really really do not want to go, but at the same time i do. it’s not a date, so I am good with that. And she already knows about my broken heart…. i really just want to go and say hi and then crawl back into bed. 🙂 Hang in there all!
Thank you so much.
Feelings are so difficult to understand.
My whole life I’ve tried to rationalize feelings. The only way I cope with negative feelings is by either rationalizing or repressing.
I’ve gone so far as not being able to recognize negative feelings because they’ve been respressed so deep I don’t even feel fear of pain, in other words, fell in a depression.
So I want to thank you again. I want to thank my boyfriend for headbutting with me in such a manner that I’ve googled ‘dealing with heartache’ and found this site.
It’s weird, I never realized how low my threshold for pain was. I always thought I was superstrong for enduring so much pain.
I’ve been heartbroken for a long time, n it wont jst go away. I had a boy friend, we use to be best friends before he started asking me out. He jst left me n wen i tried to find out what i did wrong he sed i did nothing; he jst didnt wnt to be wit me anymore. I’ve jst dropd out of skul bcos of some reasons, n all dis is hapnin. Its so painful..
I mean… the heartache really hurts and it has hurt me for long.. Being frustrated about the same thing the same person is driving me crazy- especially when I realise that it has been over one and a half year and I still cry for him tdy. That hurts so much and I could hardly concentrate or do anything when the feelings come. I just felt like what is inside me is breaking. I can’t move on. I remember every word he told me I remember every thing we did together. I don’t want to but the scenes just flow into my mind everyday. I want to let go but somehow I felt like I could never do it. I miss him everyday. I dont need anything to remind me of him. When I wake up, its him and when I sleep its him. I thought this wont sustain long but so happen it still go on until now. I would trade in anything if I could feel better. That hurts so much, much more than u can imagine. The heartache changes me and I miss who I am used to be. Sometimes, I just wish I could live in my fantasies becus the reality is way too cruel. Every night before I sleep, I just wish that I would feel nothing the next morning I woke up. But sadly, it never was.
KH, thank you for sharing. Have you considered using the suggestions in the article above? Or a coaching session so that you can get the relief you want?
…I’m just so confused & hurt. Just a week prior he was wearing the smile I fell in love with, telling me that he knew how he was going to propose, & how he knew how the whole sinerio would play out when he did… If you could see the way he smiles… … … We’re on a break as of Tuesday morning. I haven’t texted or called. I’m doing my best to give him the space he’s asked for. I’ve never been on a “break” before, but I know now that I will never do this to someone. It’s so painful. The uncertainty, & longing, & the simple absence of my best friend… I’d forgotten to eat this week until a very dear friend set food in front of me yesterday. I don’t know how long he needs… I only know that it hurts… … … :'(
& Everyone thinks they know how I should feel… I was told that I had to get angry & hold on to the anger… No. I am not angry. I’m sure that I will experience the full spectrum of emotions but they will be mine & for reasons only I may understand. I don’t know yet if our relationship is over. I only know that with each passing heartbeat I loose another little piece of hope. I love him… unconditionaly. If his decision is to break up it will hurt, I’ll remain grateful for the experience, & it will take time to find interest in getting back out there…
Thank you all for sharing. This has helped me start another day.
Hey, really sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I find hope that as much as I think my situation is unique, I learn more and more that it’s really not. There is a clear pattern that we all go through. I look back at harsh breakups where I felt I would never recover and I feel zero emotional charge now. Not numbness, just nothing. Totally healed and stronger. It’s what’s helping me get through this current situation I’m in. Still seriously painful, but I have complete faith it will pass and I have complete faith your pain and suffering will pass.
Dear Lost, thank you for sharing. Sometimes relationships change seemingly out of the blue. That’s why it’s extremely important to be present in a relationship, so that you know at all times what is going on. As Reno said below, you will be ok eventually no matter happens, even if you don’t feel that’s possible right now.
But a part of becoming ok is understanding exactly what happened. I would work on that part to get a sense of relief and to get rid of the feeling that you are having a nightmare.
Dear Coach, thank you for posting this article. It’s helped a lot to be reminded to breath deep, drink water, & eat. I am not the best at remembering to eat when life seems chaotic. Also, wow. It does feels like a nightmare. My dreams are of his smile, his banter, his smell, his… everything. So it does feel that being awake is the nightmare… I am puzzled however, by your statement about being “present”. I am certain that it does not apply in my current situation but I am definitely able to see how it applies to relationships in general. Yet, “what happened” & also acceptance are pivotal needs in my healing processes. It’s been over a week & articles such as this have been very instrumental in assisting me to think a little more clearly.
Thank you too, Reno. You captured it exactly. I’m sorry too that you’re going through your current situation and you’re right. The hurt will pass.
Thanks again yall.
dear lost, I am ssssooo sssooo sorry about yr situation. I to am in a similar situation where i am in the dark. just waiting. God I know you are hurting so bad and feel empty. But be strong. Pray. Pray for the pain to go away
the pain hurts. I read all the comments and it felt like i was reliving my relationship all over again. I trusted a female once in my life and was let down. shit happens. Im now numb and dont have the balls to commit suicide so i risk death everyday in the streets. My family and friends all look at me crazy and wanna kno where did i go wrong. i wish i could open up and tell them. I wish i could open up to another girl instead of hiding behind my keyboard right now but i dnt have any hope for love or my future. I dont give a damn about anything anymore and i wish I could care again but its clear i will never be the same
I’m pleasantly surprised how many men are sharing their emotions on this article. I’m a bit ashamd to write this myself but it took me 8 years to get out of my first relationship — that man was the love of my life and I could never bare to be without him — but to most people’s shock, I was the one who ended that relationship because I could see the future of that relationship was not fruitful to both of us. 8 years later, I fell in love again and this time again it was a long relationship as well, same sort of feelings and emotions and yet again, left broken hearted. One thing I do know is, this freakin SUCKS but I know if I could do it the first time around, I can do it again because I HAVE TO !!!! I am in the process of learning that I can never be responsible for my other half’s actions. All I can do is give my 100% and learn to accept that love has no obligations, expectations, fear, it is not ruthless, it is unconditional and always kind. I don’t deserve anything less than that. If he/she is not giving their 100%, take a step back and stop looking at them to complete you or make you happy. Search that happiness within you….one day at a time. I am struggling and struggling BAD but I’m not giving up !!!!!!!!!!! No matter how long it takes and how many tears and sleepless nights it takes…………I will have a control of my own life.
KB, there should be more people like you in today’s society. People think that they can date somebody to change them into what they want their man/woman to be, doesn’t work they way. I too am going through the same but with a shorter time span. Its been 1 1/5 now, she left me because she wanted to hangout with her ex’s without me being there and other red flags that i won’t mention. You hit the nail in the head. Love comes from within yourself. Some can find it by getting closer to God or whichever way they can find it. Good job!
I’m glad to find this I’ve never let my self ever fall in love untill she came along and really took me for surprise and now she up and left me I’m only 22 and everyone tells me I’ll find someone else but not as easy for me the breathe in and out part is really helping
Glad I came across this article, i needed to hear this. My boyfriend is pretending that he ended 4 years long relationship of ours since 1 week ago. In those 4years, I have seen it all, his lies, cheatings, name calling, anger, physical and emotional abuse….but each year we got better at dealing with this and we grew out of it…or at least I thought so. He comes from a very dysfunctional family with an alcoholic father and a mother who is head to toe in credit card debt, unhappy marriage and he was bullied all his life…..everything that he said his father did to them or his mother did to them….he has done it to me. He is very affraid of commitment and uses his friends and family against me all the time, who by the way never met me or have talked to me. Our last fight was not any reason to breakup; at least not from his side because it was his fault for disrespecting my religious belief after knowing my boundaries for 4 years, I guess as my friend said, “he was looking for an easy way out and he got it yet again”….I have been writing to him nonstop looking for answers and a closure……but I just read in one of the articles on this site, we hang onto them because we think they will come fix the hurt…….and that only delays our life plans for ourselves. If he decides he is wrong, he will come find me and if he doesn’t, I know I have stood by him in all his rough time. I helped him put through school emotinally, physically and financially……I have never lied or cheated on me and I have devoted my life to him….I know there are not that many loyal men or women out there and I love myself because I know all that I have done for him was nothing but genuine love. I miss him but I miss my self even more…my previous strong, level headed, goal conscious, career oriented, funny, smart, social, fashionista self……my kind, loving, respectful, calm and content self. I no longer want to look at him to complete me……from this day on, I’m going to learn to say “HELL NO”……
When i read about people who are wronged and looking for some consolation without their mistake. But in my case mistake was all mind. I cheated a guy 2 times use to look for new relationship whenever he used to break up all the while if used to wait for me. 3 years of on off relationship and 5 years of steady relationship the guy was completely loyal give up his every happiness , studies, family just to get me love him and i never gave a thought about his feelings. I was just to reckless and uncaring pretending i am independent and strong. I was rude to him, lied to him, made fun of him no of times. He just wanted love and trust. He used to shout a lot, doubt me as i lied often and sometimes beat me for all that. And i thought he was wrong to do all this. All if wanted was me completely and went to great length to ensure it. But after 5 years when if broke up to teach me a lesson for taking me for granted i flirted with another guy. We were all the time in long distance relationship. And now i am really sorry for all i ve done but if hates me. He’s talking to me but having another girl too. If wants me to tolerate it as he did before. He’s giving me taste me my own medicine. I know everyone will think this is all i deserve but trust me i didn’t understood a thing back then. I too struggled with right and wrong and my own feeling. Coming from a broken fatherless home didn’t make it easier for me. And now i can’t leave him as i ve realised i love him more than anything. So i am taking all rudeness, infidelty , from him to be with him and make him forgive me. I know things will be right but it’s pains a lot that i blew such a good relationship, hurt the guy i love most, and all that i am bearing is because of my own carelessness or wickedness as anybody will call it. All i wonder that how much that guy loved me to take me back everytime i did wrong and tried to correct me instead of giving up on me. Now when i feel this other girl i feel like killing myself. But i am trying to bear up. We’ll have to learn to accept pain and one run away from it. I was trying to do it all my life and look where am i?
He BEAT you??!?!?…. Then he’s no angel!
My advice would be learn from what you have experienced and start fresh with SOMEONE NEW!
From my experience,once a relationship is “broken”, it is VERY hard to fix permanently!. Sooner or later the same things/attitudes will surface again!
I always Ive been rejection ever scince Ive became interested in women. When I was grown up My step dad beat me up very bad both physicaly as well phsyilogy and there was race between me mystep sister and step bother for love and attention .and you know who finish dead last . It was me. By being rejected so many times I ask myself what is wrong with me!
I hurt so much right now. I put 110% into this relationship and believed, still believe, we have what it takes to be a strong healthy and happy couple. I’ve heard before that embracing emotional pain is the best way to cope and heal.
I lose even more hope for myself reading these comments. Its true, emotional pain may not kill you, but what it may cause you to do – might. Not having the mental tools to deal with these things is also detrimental. But I know what I have been through, I know many insane times I have tried and put in my all. However I will live my life, and do the best I can by myself, kick myself and then kick myself some more. But I have given up on the human race. That is all.
Don’t give up my friend. Realize that emotional pain DOES go away with time!
Turn this negative into positive. If you’re now alone, consider it as total freedom to do whatever you like in life, without permission from anybody!
I’m sure you have passions you were not able to pursue before that now with your freedom you can.
If you can turn yourself around and be happy without anyones help, sooner or later you WILL attract a HAPPY love into your life!
It’s way better to be single and temporarily lonely than being in a bad relationship not having the guts to breakout. Trust me this “guts” will make you soo much stronger and will help you avoid that situation again.
I too felt what you feel, and if I can do it- YOU CAN!!!!
I feel so fortunate that, as I searched for some words to ease my pain, I found these. Exactly what I needed to read right now. I suppose if one could die from emotional pain, I would be dead.
It would be inconceivable to me to go to incredible lengths to try to make someone believe that I loved them, and all the while carry on with other people. It is like this type of person is made of something different, and not at all in a good way. Beware of those that profess to great lengths that they value honesty, that they have integrity, etc. It very well could be a ruse.
I’m sure that this might have good results for alot of people, but you really need to consider the people who this could bring great harm to. I’m bipolar. I deal with emotional ups, downs, and whirlwinds you can’t control. When you say to just embrace the pain, the first thought in my head is “how can I off myself right now?” People suffering from depression don’t need to embrace emotional pain, they need to look past it and aim for something worth staying alive (in my case, my wife). If ever someone with a mental illness or depression were to read this and commit suicide, you’d be to blame. You’re walking a fine line sir, I hope you’re willing to face the possibility of severe consequence.
I found this advice really helpful. I too, am going through a hard time right now, after calling things off with my boyfriend of three months the other day. I feel so emotional right now, I will go from trying to fake happiness to crying and questioning why I ended it. It was plagued with trouble from the start, but I kept battling all of it, in the bid to prove that I could save our relationship. We lived about an hour apart from each other, but I always managed to get a train or he would drive down to see me. I always had major trust issues, as did he. We made special pacts together, one of them being the fact that I was unhappy with his weed use and with my family being so against it, I wanted him to try and stop. In the end, we agreed on the fact that he could carry on doing it, but that he would cut down a lot more and only do it when I was around so that I never had to worry about it. It was his idea in the first place, his promise. Well, little did I know, he’d carried on doing it behind my back numerous times and I never even knew until I discovered that he had. I don’t know why, being such a small thing you’d probably think that I would of forgiven him for only being human. Wrong. My gut reaction was to cross him out for lying to me and covering things up. I wish he’d told me from the start because how can I trust him now? He could say he was doing something (in any factor) and I’d still question whether he was being truthful or not.
And I wish I didn’t read into things this much, that I could see past it but I can’t. I really thought he loved and respected me as a person. I’ve never lied to him, not even once! And it makes me sick to think that he might be with another girl right now or something, he told me through text that he knew what to look for in his next ‘bird.’ It made me feel sick.
I’m trying so hard to move on. I’ve deleted all of the photos and memories for good, not to mention chucked a few things away that I had.
I feel like I want to know if he’s okay, what he’s doing. I worry about him so much and just wish that we could remain friends online, it would help me as a person. He removed me pretty much straight away. He still removed to take the profile photos down of us though, which annoyed me because I don’t really like the fact that my face is on his page, especially if he was to get a new gf or something.
In the last paragraph *removed should be refused.
I read this and it helped me stop crying
I have moments, hours of depression where I isolate, dont use the
phone and think there is no point in reaching out since noone wants
to deal with me.
No one wants to deal with you? Why do you say this? I feel this exact same thing about myself.. in fact I’ve pretty much heard it more than once from family and supposed loved ones in my life. I have many faults.. I truly wonder if I should just retract completely from all people, since I’m so apparently difficult to deal with.. often wrestled with the thought that anything good about me that I’d have to offer anyone, isn’t enough due to how horrible I apparently am to deal with.. how much disappointment and all other types of negative feelings I seem to inspire in others.. If I’m this bad, should I bother to self reflect, figure out where I go wrong and attempt to change myself, doing a 180? Is it even possible at nearly 40 yrs of age? Or should I just give up and remove myself from as much human interaction as can be possibly avoided? Sorry to turn my reply into mostly all about my own experience, (self-centeredness, being self-absorbed, apparently one of my worst traits, so I’m not surprised at my reply) however I am truly interested in your situation, as I normally don’t run across someone who seemingly sounds so similar to myself..
I recently found out that my boyfriend of nearly 2 years was talking with his ex-girlfriend on a regular basis a few months ago and during our relationship. He has told me in the past that he still has feelings for her, however when I confronted him about the phone calls he said “we were just talking as friends.”
He lied to me in the past when I asked him if he had talked to her. Now I am carrying this pain around that I did not create. He hasn’t offered me any kind of reassurance and his apology was forced at best. I am trying really hard to forgive him but it keeps coming up in my mind that he lied and has made me feel like a fool, sometimes I feel so badly that I can’t be near him and I have to leave the room for fear I will just explode.
I want to get past this but I need to hear from him why this happened and why I should believe that it won’t happen again? He won’t talk about it and tells me he can’t deal with this anymore when I do bring it up. I need him to understand my hurt and I need some form of reassurance from him. I just want the truth even if it hurts, at least I’ll know….what should i do with my bf…now he saying i lov u sooo much plzz don’t leave me.i’ll die..blah blahh..
Firstly am sorry to hear what you have had to go through and what are going through at present with your current boyfriend.
I have been in a similar situation with my ex girlfriends, the problem is in some relationships it is hard to get a response given this kind of situation, the reason why they cannot give you the answer you are looking for is because they are emotionally conflicted meaning they are still thinking about their ex.
The problem here is that you are not getting a 100% honest true relationship, if the person you are with are conflicted and cannot give you the answer you are looking for this is enough to make a choice. Waiting for an answer or forcing an answer will just end up with more lies meaning you will still have it in the back of your mind that you have been lied to in the past and what if this is just more lies?
When anyone goes into a relationship the people in that relationship should put their ex’s behind them and be fully over them otherwise its not a fair honest relationship to be in when you are just thinking about your ex and making comparisons I know I have made this mistake myself 🙁
The reason why he is saying he loves you soo much and dont leave him cos he will die etc is because he wants best of both worlds, he wants to keep you whilst having feelings for someone else and this is outright out of order and unacceptable.
A person should always in this case PROVE their love by actions not just words as words can end up having no meaning.
I was lied to for pretty much a year by my ex, some people are soo good at convincing others that they love them but are just being the devil until you find out yourself and its a world of shock.
If you find that its hard to communicate with your boyfriend as you have said and isnt giving you any reassurance then I know its not easy in some peoples cases but its time to leave.
You need someone you can relate to and communicate with and a person that communicates you on the level whereby you know they are telling the truth and I dont mean by making everything sound sweet and mushy and flutter their eyes cos if i have learnt anything thats the kind to avoid.
If you cannot sit down with him and tell him straight whats bothering you and he just walks off then you walk off, you deserve better than this and obviously he doesnt appreciate you and doesnt love you enough to give you what you seek.
Your post made me feel better. I am in a terrible situation where i liked this guy but circumstances meant we couldn’t be together. A couple of months after he married his fiance. I so want to be cling to him and never lose our friendship but i wonder what damage i would be doing to the other person having her husband talking to another woman and i instantly realised i couldn’t do it. I have to walk away as hard a sit is to do it is the right thing to do.
I have been with her for about 5years,when I say I have been with her,I mean I have lived with her under same roof for 5years so we are more or less like married couples,I have hard time trusting her because I am so scared I will be hurt,yet the little things she does hurts me greatly as if I have already or almost broken up with her.I feel she is not honest to me,I feel she doesn’t tell me the truth,she is too open to people especially guys and when I complain,she tells me she doesn’t have any bad mind behind giving her contact out to guys,just recently she went out with friends(males and females) without informing me until I called her and she was telling me she is at the beach with friends(she is in school at the moment),she then told me she took a photo and I asked her with whom which she replied with a male friend,I was so anxious to know how they took the photo and so I asked her and she told me she sat on the guys lap and took the photo,already she has told me the guy in question is from her hometown.
I am hurting because I feel something is not right..i have so much to say.i cant put everything here being i might give you so much work to do so please just give me advice what to do,I want to get my mind off her so that when the worse happens i will be able to stand it.
Hey trust me many of us have been there like lifes not worth living and it hurts soo bad, and again trust me when I say I have tried hurting myself could have been to just get the attention or basically because I wanted to feel something real other than emotional pain.
But to just throw out there that you want to kill yourself guess what your ex BF is going to continue living his life, will he care if you killed yourself? Maybe yes or maybe no but ask yourself would you rather have someone that truely loves you or pretends to love you?
Nothing hurts more than giving your entire absolute 200% love and affection to a purpose that ends up either using you, cheats on you etc. Still no matter what bad this person might do you still love them that you just want to forget the bad stuff and just feel you have to have them.
The only solution to moving on is to be around someone that understands you and instead of taking your mind off of it TALK about it instead, talk soo much that every bit of it comes off your chest. Talk about it everyday if you have to you just need someone that is going to listen and for that reason I am truely greatful I have 2 of the best of bestest friends in the world that have been there for me through my 2 horrible relationships.
I am not going to sit here and say ‘dont worry you will find someone else’ NO that isnt what you want to hear, what you want is someone thats gonna sit and listen to you and poor your heart out enough that you cry it all out the sooner you do this and as much as you need to then and only then will you start to feel better.
Thanks AJ, I hope Zoya really listens to us, life goes on, life is beautiful, BTW, I broke up with a guy just yesterday as well, sure it hurts, sure I cried but out of the blue my two best friends called me without knowing about my brake up, I told them and they cheard me up, also another friend sent me a book and a note remainding me how loved I am, those are signs that I did the right think and I am loved by people that deserve my heart. My heart is healing, I am loved, and I will live my live to the fullest because I deserve it and so does everybody…
Many blessings
My God don’t do that!!! Your life does not evolve around a person, your life is yours and nobody will take that away from you. Please think about the people that really love you, your parent’s your friends, what would they do without you. Let your heart hurt but don’t think you will die, all of us survive the brake ups, I promise you. You are really going to be ok.
I just wanted to say this meditation has actually helped me. I recently fell for a gal I work with and started feeling heartache after realizing the possibility that something might not happen between us. I haven’t had a girlfriend in two and a half years so this added to some deeply rooted feelings of desolation and loneliness. It really helped remind me that life isn’t always perfect and calmed the growing sensations that worked against me. Three solid days of heartache has been severely lessened by a couple minutes of good introspection. To those this didn’t work for, try it again. Do it slowly, and try to relax.
I cannot even beging to describe what ordeal I went through with a woman that claimed to love me, she fooled all my friends and even me. She put me through soo much misery and I kept taking her back. Few months ago she tried to get back with me and claimed she loved me and could never be with anyone else etc etc. She wanted me to move to the USA (I live in the UK) and wanted me to give up my friends and family etc. Eventually I said no I cannot do this and it upset her.
I then checked my facebook for some old random pics and she had clicked like I regretfully checked her profile…Lo and behold she is in a relationship with a guy that she claimed she had no feelings for and could never be with him, I used to get jealous and paranoid and at one point she had moved in with him and claimed it was out of convenience…But what hurt me even more was finding out that was with him WHILST we were together! How can someone look you in the face and tell you that you mean the world to them whilst they are cheating on you and doing things behind your back 🙁 It’s a cruel world out there and there are people who can convince you soo easily but all the while are lieing.
So I am trying to get over the shock and its hurting me real bad 🙁
I gave this woman soo much, I helped her and her kids, helped give her a better life and went out of my way to show her how much I loved her. But I did notice she never really showed me the same love instead would give me a loving look but all the while a devil in disguise 🙁
hi Everyone
im in a situation that my Boyfriends one friend (girl) is trying to break us up.
i have told him many times that she is inlove with him but he said its not true.
he has told her before that she must get lost but she keeps coming back and everytime my boyfriend and i fight over it because she doesnt understand that he doesnt want her.
i have thought of giving up and saying if you want each other go for it its busy breaking me inside i cry myself to sleep every night.
We have been together for over a Year now and knowing that someone wants to take him away from me is making me heart broken and i wish there was a way he could see that she has more feelings for him then just friendship, what must i do please help me.
i dont want to lose him i Love him so so so much.
All I can say is that no one can ever take someone away from anyone, if a person leaves in the relationship for someone else then they were never with you in the first place. This is what a wise friend of mine once said.
If you feel you will lose the person then you are not connected to each other, being connected and feeling comfortable about your partner is key to any relationship. Feeling in doubt constantly will cause a break up in itself.
Look at it as though this female is ‘testing’ your relationship instead of fighting with each other about this female instead try showing your love infront of her by kissing cuddling etc. And keep smiling because the more you do this infront of her the more its going to bother her soo much that she will eventually get fed up and leave.
Ah ha, the arguments and blame game is how it usually starts. May I ask your husband’s age? It’s relevant if you began a relationship as a child with a grown man. I suggest counseling for the two of you including HIV tests. I know it sounds harsh but these are the times we live in. If he takes money from a woman would he do the same for a man? And, now he wants you back since his piggy bank is out of commission. You can’t forgive that quickly and he shouldn’t expect you to. Cake eaters are normally selfish and think of only themselves and “the moment.” Not to mention that he certainly isn’t thinking of your children.
I would seriously consider counseling and if he doesn’t want to try it then, he isn’t interested in saving the marriage. Will he continue to have affairs and just presume you will take him back? Something to think about as you’re young and have a lifetime ahead of you. Keep in mind that a family that “prays together stays together.”
Ive been with my husband since I was 15 years old. I left my mother’s house at the age of 17 to be with him and start a family. We got married when I turned 20 years old and now I am 22. We also have two children together. I am so hurt because I was actually thinking we was going to be together for a long time. I thought he belonged to me and I belonged to him. That changed when he started working at this club and met this girl. He had sex with her 3 times and told her he loves her. He said it was all about the money, which I find that hard to believe. The thing that gets me is that he wasn’t even working at this job for a good month. He said the girl treated him good and I treat him like shit. I always loved him and showed him that I love him. I don’t know where he came up with that conclusion. It makes me mad that he put her first and did all these things with this girl behind my back while I laying in the bed waiting for him to come home. He started arguments with saying we didn’t have any sparks together. By him saying that I knew something was fishy. But how I found out was because the girl sent about a hundred pictures of herself. My husband said she was giving him money and keeping him happy. He even told some of him family members and my brothers about her which I think was a stupid idea. I made him lose his job by going up there and spilling drink on her. I even talked to the manager about how he was doing me. But they already knew he was fooling with that girl. He lost his job at the end of september and say he wants to be with me. Told me to forgive him. How can I forgive that quickly and he NEVER want me to talk about that other girl, which I think is relevant to our “suppose-to-be” relationship. I just hate the way he went about it, because if you truly love someone you wouldn’t do some of the things that you did. This happened in September 2011 and now this is December 2011. I am still hurt from this experience. I don’t know what to do, who to trust, where to go from here, and where to start. I am totally confused right now because I just got slapped very hard in the face by reality. He still wants to be with me but I don’t know if I should let him close to me again. I never ever been in this situation before and I never cheated on him since we been together. Please someone help my mind. Only positivity.
Ah ha, the arguments and blame game is how it usually starts. May I ask your husband’s age? It’s relevant if you began a relationship as a child with a grown man. I suggest counseling for the two of you including HIV tests. I know it sounds harsh but these are the times we live in. If he takes money from a woman would he do the same for a man? And, now he wants you back since his piggy bank is out of commission. You can’t forgive that quickly and he shouldn’t expect you to. Cake eaters are normally selfish and think of only themselves and “the moment.” Not to mention that he certainly isn’t thinking of your children.
I would seriously consider counseling and if he doesn’t want to try it then, he isn’t interested in saving the marriage. Will he continue to have affairs and just presume you will take him back? Something to think about as you’re young and have a lifetime ahead of you. Keep in mind that a family that “prays together stays together.”
Thanks for this! I found your article whilst online at 5 in the morning following the ending of a short but intense relationship with a lovely woman who was, through other circumstances – having an alcoholic 34 year old son living at home = was unattainable. Distance was also a factor. Never thought I could stop hurting; you’ve put me in the right direction. Again, thanks and bless you x Duncan
I am so tired of holding on to family members that don’t give a dam i am done. i often wonder y god placed me in a family with such heartless and cold people . i am glad that iam old enough to choose to not be involved or around them . if i could just remove them from my life forever i would be good . the adults in my family will screw up up before u get a chance to ! they r so evil and heartless that they think its ok to be no good and liars and users and whatever else comes to mind they enjoy hurting eachother and i am no longer riding on there train of drama afterreading this and the book who moved my cheese i realized i can do bad by myself but dont need grown people to bring me down.
Am fucking tired of trying in relationship. I give up. I just want be very successful one day and let them wish 2 be like me or with me. I want all to marvel. Those that thought I was useless would have a second thought.
Hi, I dont know if telling how i feel will help any at all, but i really cant talk to anyone im close to because no one understands what im going through , or will take the time out to listen without judging me. Well me and my bestfriend have been close since we were younger we never had like a normal bestfriend relationship, we were closer than normal bestfriends. and as we grew up she told me that she was in love with me. After a few days started to fly by i started to feel the same way. We ended up getting together but she stay in alabama n i was in florida. so after a few months it was like a love i never felt before, i was so happy! nothing could bring us apart. so i ended up moving back home to alabama with her and things were great. we rarely argued and if we did we fixed it b4 we fell asleep. it was like the perfect relationship. but our families didnt like either of us being together. and my mom ended up getting sick so i moved back to florida and thats where things went downhill. she got with someone else and it tore me up ! for about 4 months we went without speaking and i was devistated in and out of the hospital from taking too many narcotics. wasnt over dosing just couldnt sleep and was using them every night to sleep. i couldnt eat . i started drinking. i wasnt socializing with my friends. i just wasnt myself. then her and her ex broke up and we got back together and then she broke up with me and got back with her ex and then they broke up and we got bk together that happened at least 3 times then we got back together for good. and its lasted for about 4months but she had changed she wasnt the same girl that i fell in love with but i stuck by her side because i knew how much i loved her. then she decided to go into the army but before she left i gave her my virginity and i will say about 2 weeks afte that she broke up with me and started seeing someone else. i wasnt as heartbroken this time because ive been through so much with her. but it still hurts and now 8 months later she is engaged. but she still tries to call me and she says she is still in love with me and that i was the best thing that she has ever had. but i dont want anything to do with her. but that bad part is , is that im still in love with her too. but i dont want to be, and the fact that she is engaged hurts because i put up with her crap for 2 years and i dont think its fair that she did me wrong and can go and be happy with someone else while im stuck not knowing if i can ever fall in love again. its hard for me to trust or even be with someone without comparing them to her. i just need help on finding who i am and what i want. i thought i was over this until she contact me over thanksgiving telling me how much she loved and missed me, BUT SHE’S ENGAGED!!! i just dont know what to do. im tired of crying and being sad. HELP ME!
Stop taking her calls! Ignore the calls or simply block her number. She’s using you plain and simple and she knows that if things don’t work out with the man she is currently engaged to, you will be right back with open arms. Real love is solid, not wishy washy and indecisive. Why would you even want a woman that is engaged calling telling you how much she loves and misses you? She sounds immature and certainly not ready for a leap like marriage. Let her feel your pain for a change and stop taking her calls. Sure, it’s okay to cry every now and then but it is time to get back to life. Socializing with friends etc….It may sound harsh but your best bet is to MOVE ON!
To be honest i have moved on. I no longer want to be with her. The pain is just still there after all this time. I only hear from her like 1 or twice every 2 months. its kind of hard for both of us because we were bestfriends before anything. so its like i lost a bestfriend and the love of my life all in one. Right now i feel like i hate her more than anything because of all the pain she put me through. like i said i no longer want to be with her, but it still hurts.
and thanks some things you saud did help
Hog wash! The pain of loneliness never goes away. hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, for the past 25 years! it never goes away…
Clearly you don’t know what it is to be truly alone in life, I know, here in my 8 foot by 8 foot world, shut out from the rest of humanity, no I am not in prison though it is a lot like prison.
I beg an pray every night for it to all end, but morning comes and I must survive another day.
I hate the pain of loneliness but there is nothing I can do, your GOD hates me and is punishing me with this endless pain. I don’t know what I did to receive this punishment, but I have lived with it almost 50 years now and no it does not heal or go away.
What happened? U can tell us.
Excuse me but part of this is bull (no offense). I’ve been sad, frustrated and when I get these it keeps getting worse and feels like my hearts expanding and literally ripping in two, I understand that, I understand it’s normal and it’s not literally going to blow up. The thing I do find a hard time believing is that all of that pain calms itself down with the right pace of slow breathing while saying or thinking of a poem that basically says your life sucks. Is their any other method I can use, and other mediation thing I can say or work with because although I have high tolerance for emotional pain, the pain I feel right now is disabling and frustrating and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t want anyone else to know about it but me so asking for anti depressant medication is not a option, neither is actual therapy unless it’s me stating my feelings about what’s going on with me to someone in e-mail. Basically what I’m saying is, I’m depressed but the real problem I want to tackle first is the pain it is causing.
JG, the pain is being caused by your thoughts. The “poem” is not a poem, but a Buddhist meditation, which brings relief through acceptance that part of life’s experience is pain. Why don’t you try it and see if it will give you relief? And if you are asking for help, which you seem to be, check out my professional Q&A service – perhaps I can offer you just the help you need.
This is bs. Of course your limbs won’t fall off. There’s this thing called MENTAL PAIN and it’s just as effective as killing you as physical pain. When your depressed you think a lot, it hurts when you you think back on it, the feeling of lost, Lonnie ess and heartache is unbearable and can’t be sucked up.
I fell forbmy best friend this year. Sure I have only known himfor a dew months but we are the SAME person, ask anyone we know. And, most people say it is rediculous how I am so young and think I have fallen in love, but I did. I can’t explain it. Anyways, about four days ago he texted me and starts going on about how he realized why hebloved his ex and how they were back togther. I kid you not about two hours later he texts me again and starts on how he decided that the distance was too much for him to handle so they are not gonna get back together. THEN he say that h has a problem, so I ask what I can do to help. You wil never guess what he asked me; “I like your friend, but she doesn’t want to betray you so wouldyou mind telling her that it is okay with you? Please Katelin?” I almost died right then, I was so crushed. And of corse I had two choices: one, tell him I wasn’t okay or two, be the girl I am and go on and pretend that I was 100% okay with everyhing. Well let’s just say I went with choice two. And since he is litterally my BEST friend I have to go to school everyday and act like I am seriously okay. And then I go home and think abou him and wish he was there. And on top of that I wonder why I am not good enough for anyone and wonder if fate will ever let anyone love me. Keep in mind he knows I love him and that his has happened to me two times before. The other two times I wasn’t in love but still, it happened. If anyone has an idea on what to do that wil work better then what I am doing please let me know.
… I just saw a person I thought I liked kissing someone else. They’d always told me they liked me, we’ve kissed and such, but we never made anything official. However, when they were at my house hanging out with me, I had turned my phone on in my room on recording by pure accident as I had been looking through pics on it and left it on my dresser. I took a shower and came back to my room to find my brother and Her talking. Later after she left, I saw i had had my phone on recording while i was in my shower. While looking at the vid to see how long it had been recording I saw something that shocked me horribly. She and my brother were making out in the middle of my room. She ( I can’t even say it’s name…) made out with my little bro behind my back, he’s only a year younger. I feel so betrayed not just by her but my brother. This all occurred a little over an hour ago!!!!! Please what should I do?!? It hurts really bad!!! Should I outright confront my brother about this???!!??
It’s too painful now.. I can’t even read the lines..with all my tears falling down my face
The pain is so tough, it’s weird she had the same name as you, Are you from Germany too?
Hey, I cant stand the pain! Im young but i went out with this girl for along time! And she just dropped me! I thought she loved me and i dont know what to do, i feel down! I dont know what 2 do, It seems nothing will work! And i can truly say that i am so deeply inlove with this girl! I would do anything just to be with her again! Life almost feels pointless without her, i might sound stupid, but its what i feel! When ever im out and atarting to have a good time, something will happen and i will think about her again! And it hurts me so much!! I need advice!
This is a crock. I have sat with my pain for years now, and it doesn’t get any better. In fact, it has manifested itself physically as fibromyalgia. Sitting with pain breeds bitterness, which will eat you alive. I found this article worthless.
Robyn, sitting with your pain is not the same as stewing in your pain. Stewing in your pain will indeed lead to bitterness, as you have so well demonstrated.
Sitting with your pain means allowing it, feeling it fully, getting to the other end of it and then finally letting it go.
There are times when it’s easier to let go, but what it comes down to is how much you care about the person that making you feel this way. My friend and I both like this girl we work with. I have told her from the beginning how much I liked her and how bad I want a relationship with her. As far as relationship wise she said since we work together she wants to keep it professional, and that’s why I told her to make the first move since i’m ready. Everything was going ok ( or so I thought ) up until last night. Her and my friend were hanging all over each other, putting thier hands on each other, and I was basically invisible. No matter how much I want it I wil never be able to get past the hurt i’ve been feeling, nor will I be able to let it go.
help me
please call me and talk to me i have so many things going on in my head and the worst is that my husband hates me and i don’t know why he still wantsme here . he sould be happy else where, i know i have done so much damage to our lives but it was not done out of hate it was done because as a momther i thought i needed to help my daughter and grand chidren and in the end they left me out in the cold like a piece of shit help me lori
Here I am, a year after him and I ended things and I am still upset. We are trying to hold on to one another, even though he hurt me a year ago. My first love. How should I let go?
Dianna, first of all, here’s another article that may help: http://www.lovecoachblog.com/let_go
And if that does not do it, perhaps a coaching session? I can get you pretty well on your way to letting go in about 1 or 2 sessions. If you are interested, take a look at this link: http://www.getrelationshipsright.com/services
Thanks for the nice meditation. It helps. I just had a break up,,maybe. We never asked ourselves if there’s us,as a couple, I just assumed after being friends with benefit. Unfortunately, I’d fallen but he’s not. Now I can’t reach him the way i do before. He’s gone ‘maybe forever, but I’m very positive that I can cope up with this. I just hate myself for loving him unconditionally. But i mustn’t hate myself for investing emotions. This is love. Love truly hurts but eventually will give you something to look forward to. Love hurts and after, it won’t anymore.
Dear Emerald,
Hi Emerald, i do understand how you feel,, as i have been through the same experience as yours. Thanks for your sharing, it feels nice knowing that i’m not alone. Your writing shows how strong you are now. Be tough, i know we can make it,, everything’s gonna be alright (BIG HUG)
Thanks Rinnatta for showing us all,, that it’s okay to feel the pain,, as i try hard to forget him,, and challenge myself very hard to accept the reality and deny my emotions and pain,, i found myself cry painfully while sleeping several days ago,,it was odd and strange,, then i realize,, i can not force myself to stop the pain,, all i can do is just feel the pain,, accept the pain,, in order to get relieve,, accept the reality that now i am single,,
so my conclusion is,, friends for benefit,, no strings attached ,,well,,you named it,,it’s not a good choice to make,, because in the end you will fall in love,, if you’re strong enough and just need to have sex,, go for a one night stand,, so you won’t hurt yourself and others,,
cheers for new life,
no fear of pain , live in freedom,,
Irene
I have a tendency to fall for people who claim to be interested in me, who share the same interests as me and want to be with me but always end up leave me standing alone in a pitch black room with no idea of how to get out. The worst thing of all is that I know what I’m like and I know it’s going to happen, but I fall for the deceit every single time.
At the moment, I’m seeing someone who is exactly the person I described, we get along extremely well and they’re very lovely and seem genuinely interested in talking to and seeing me. It’s killing me, literally tearing me up inside, thinking about the things that could go wrong rather than the things that can go right but I pick up on things that they say and wonder if they meant it in a different way or whether they are having thoughts about spending time with me.
The thing that doesn’t help this at this point in time is that I am having problems with not only relationships, but friends, family and my health. I do feel like everything is getting a bit too much, I just want to cry all the time and the pain in my chest gets unbearable sometimes. It’s making me ill.
I feel like I’m rambling on, but thank you if you have read this and reading your experiences and feelings is quite heart-breaking and I wish everyone happiness, let’s hope I can find my own.
i’m young and i fell in love with a boy who i did everything with. We always went places, he was generous, and would call me a spoil brat b/c i would get my way when it came to him, he would come over and i introduced him to my mother. i never introduce a boy to my mother and talk about them to my family. i met his family and his little sister liked me. I would cook for him and we would talk about our future together. but now its just so crazy how i feel he doesn’t think about the times we shared. i added him and deleted him a lot of times on bbm and he called me once saying he was checking up on me and later on i did the same (i called and ‘checked’ on him). he said he doesn’t want us to be enemies, but please tell me how can you be friends with someone you love. basically most of the things in this article expresses how i feel and i asked my mother how do i know if i will ever find someone as good as him even though he wasn’t the best in the relationship he said he never cheated and he usually tells the truth. My mother told me i can’t b/c we might turn into friends w/ benefits. i have him on bbm now again and i’m always looking for his next update i wish i could get over him, soon and be w/ someone else, but i’m trying to learn how to be patient and relax even though idk what to do b/c i feel so lonely w/o him in my life. I felt he was my world and wish that in the future me and him could get back together. i doubt it though, but i hate the fact that hs ex was calling and texting him throughout our relationship. She should have let him be.
We have known each other many, many years and dated once before.
He broke my heart back then and it took me a great length of time to finally move past the hurt.
He returned to me one day and expressed his love for me, told me that he missed me, cared for me, wanted to have children with me, thought I was his “soul mate”… initially, I hesitated and didn’t want to get involved… but I folded over time and the relationship was formed once-again.
He was suffering depression and I extended my hand to help him. I was there by his side throughout every moment of darkness, offering him the love and support he needed to rise above the hurt he was feeling.
Now, I am nearly 8-months pregnant with his child and he has gone. The relationship had been deteriorating. He hadn’t been paying his share of rent and groceries, and when he decided to make a lifestyle change that would result in him having even less income (studying full-time instead of part-time) it became unfeasible for me to financially support the both of us, and a child on my own.
This matter could have been resolved with a small amount of compromise… but instead, he chose to leave. He refused to sacrifice even the smallest portion of his selfish lifestyle.
The feelings of hurt, betrayal and abandonment are severe… I loved him so dearly and worked hard to try and hold the relationship together, to support his needs and interests- naively thinking that he loved me and that my kindness was well-placed because of that- but he let it fall apart without a second thought.
He left and hasn’t even looked back… he doesn’t contact.
I feel our baby kicking and ache for the fact that I have no one to share it with. The nights are long and the pain even makes its way into my dreams.
I know I have to be strong for this child, but it is truly agonizing. I resent the fact that I will have to see him when he comes to visit our son, and that I will have to remain pleasant after what he has done to me (us), so as not to influence my child’s opinion of him. As much as I believe that he has wronged both our little one, and myself… I believe my son should be free to grow and form his own opinion of his father.
Throughout the pregnancy, he had never been supportive… he wouldn’t help me take out the bins, would often leave me behind while he went out drinking (and I would have to drive him to collect his car in the morning, or designated drive), never lifted a finger around the house, refused to clean the cat tray (knowing full-well that it was a hazard for myself and our unborn baby) never once did a single kind, caring or supportive thing for me. He said, “I know you do a lot of nice things for me, but I never ask you to do them, so I don’t see why I should have to do nice things for you.”
In my heart, I know this was a toxic relationship and it wouldn’t have been healthy for our child to grow up in a household with a father-figure like that, but I was in denial for a long time… I wanted to believe that the loving, kind, gentle, supportive man who had returned to me still existed. He didn’t start acting like this until after I fell pregnant.
I didn’t want to believe that I had been so foolish as to get involved with a user… I wanted to believe that it was just a phase, that he really did care and that when he met his son, he would become a good father. I now know that the kindness he first portrayed was just a facade to get his foot in the door… I was nothing more than a means to fill a void.
The pain of this is enormous… to know that I was used, that he never truly cared and has quickly moved-on with a lifestyle of drinking, partying and selfishness. To know that all the warmth I gave to him meant nothing, and that I was just a temporary fix. It sickens me to think that I had been so stupid… I thought I was a stronger woman than that, but the relationship had slowly worn me down into someone weak and submissive. I didn’t recognize who I had become.
I want to find my strength again… to stand with my head held high, but my self-esteem has taken a huge battering.
I can only hope that time will heal this wound, and that soon the feelings of hurt and betrayal will one day be replaced with apathy towards his emotional manipulation and contempt for the sad, pathetic person he really is…
I understand what you are going through, and may I share something with you? thank God that man is no longer in your child’s life and yours. Now you can rase your child the way you think is best and you can find a better person. I made a comment to another woman in this blog that I am a single mother as well. and I tell you, we as moms are the biggest advocates for our children. You don’t have that lil one in your hands yet but you will, and that responsability is forever, it will give you the biggest love you have ever felt and the biggest challenges as well. It seems that you are a very strong woman, you will get through it. Set a time, when are you going to start feeling better… count the days left till your baby is born and make a journal, pour your lil heart out on a piece of paper and start working on getting better. Your child will make things better, remember that things happen for a reason, who ever told you that, maybe just maybe you were to get back with him for some time so this precious baby comes to life, and he has a purpous in this life and so do you.. this is just a setback not your entire existance.. move on darling!! if you need to cry, then cry, if you don’t want to get our of bed for one day, then don’t, but don’t fall into depression, surround yourself with your beautiful family and friends… I will pray for you and your baby..
Mariana
This is very nice article specially when Im going through my emotional turmoil.
Thanks for the suggestions and guidance.
I just don’t know how to heal or let go… it’s been over 2 years and the pain feels the same as it did when it first began. I just want it to end. I’m always sad. I thought someone loved me but he did everything in his power to use me and break me down. Now I walk with my head hung low and my eyes full of tears…this pain will never go away…now my baby is 2 and looks just like his dad. Sometimes I just feel like running away…I’m so sad, so hurt and has even been hospitalized because the pain was so strong in my chest…what am I to do. I stay strong on the outside but I’m a hot mess on the inside…… :'(
Don’t do that!! I don’t know you or you me but honey, you have a child, it does not matter who the father is, he is still your baby.. I am a single mom of a beautiful 10 yo. and I have made the same mistakes you are making, yes darling they are mistakes that unfortunatelly our children live through and feel. I would honestly recommend antidepressants, there is nothing wrong with them. If not that, then natural supplements, vitamin B. I am going through a heartbrake as well.. I have been single for 2 years and endless dating and heartache. Who cares!!! I am smart, a good person and I have faith that one day my guy will come along and if not oh well!! you must love yourself first and then make a decision if the person who is persuing you is worthwhile… Please cheer up!!! for your sweet child… he is so little and needs his mommy in one piece… lot’s of huggs darling..
Mariana
Hi hate all men welcome to the club!I read your problem and I have huge empathy for you. I can understand when you feel sad and your head is low and your eyes are full of tears that you would want to run away. Unfortunetely, you bring yourself with you. It sounds to me and I know I don’t know you but with the pain in your chest just needs to be felt without judging it. Maybe you have a block that’s stopping you from fully feeling it but you can and get help to process it and then you will be free. Wish you all the best…:)
Thank you for your article. Even though I’m feeling raw with emotions right now, reading this has helped me a tiny bit with my confused mind. It’s tough and bumpy but I’m hoping I will survive in this madness.
Dear All:
After reading about all these experiences all I can say is, there are millions of people all around the world who are suffering and we are not alone and every one of us has made or will make it. Please be positive because tough time do not persist but tough people does.
The person I love/ed disposed of me like a paper napkin. Sure the feeling is horrible and to some extent humiliating but I know I will survive this and be a stronger and better person, with or without the love of someone else. So I want to feel and embrace as much pain as possible now so that I can rise above all this to be a better human being.
I hope that all of you can find solace in some way or other. I love you all. Stay positive.
@Debbie. I am a book work and I will look into the book. Idk if this message was for me but thank u 🙂 I just hope I can stop looking at the pix of us n stop crying or getting worked up. I know I’m young but I truly feel/felt he is the one.
My bf and I broke up so we could work on things. I’m so torn as I just want him back. I had a one time fling with a friend and I told him about it. He ironically did the same. Now I’m trying to work things out with him, he’s rejecting me bec I slept with someone else. I’m so heart broken and lost. I just do not know what to do. He says one day he loves me and misses me then the next he says im pushing him away…
Thank you for this article and for all of your stories. They made me feel alot better and it helps to know that others are going through the same thing if not worse, although I don’t wish this feeling on anyone.
On Friday, my boyfriend of 8 years told me that while he has not cheated on me, he wants to get to know an old friend from college. He was attracted to her in college but never were together. This came as a complete shock….well sort of….I mean our relationship has become more distant but I never would’ve thought he was the type of person who would do anything remotely sneaky or deceptive.
I can’t even describe the feeling when he told me–it was very much a physical feeling like I couldn’t breathe–I mean I couldn’t even speak.
He wants to next weekend with her for two days although they would be getting separate rooms. She is married with two children. He claims that I am over-reacting and this is strictly platonic. I asked him was this the first time he’s seen her and he said that a couple of weeks ago he met her and her mom for a brief moment at the airport. This occurred when he was supposed to be at work.
He thinks I’m over-reacting but this is serious to me and I told him the moment he chose to not tell me about meeting her at the airport was the moment this relationship was over.
I’m trying very hard to be strong but it’s so hard. My heart and stomach hurt so much. It comes and goes but when it comes it’s unbearable. I know I can’t be with him because I would constantly be disappointed or miserable. It hurts so much thinking what this girl has that I don’t, but I know that’s not fruitful and I’m trying to not think about it.
Also, we had bought a home two years ago together so although we’re not married, it’s more complicated then just packing up and going so I’ve got the stress of that too to deal with and I have to move out because I can’t afford it by myself but he can.
I know that if I stay with him, I’d only be doing it out of fear of being on my own and not being lonely.
But what kind of life is it to be with someone who doesn’t respect you.
I wish there was a pill that someone would invent that could take away this pain instantly……
Just a pointless exercise in catharsis, but….
This advice only seems good for people who are interested in merely surviving the pain. Maybe I’m too unrealistic or arrogant, but want a bit more than that. I need a bit more to my life than moments where trivial distractions annoyances prevent me from actively feeling pain. I want moments where I actually feel good. (I’d settle for one a month. One a week would be like Divine Favor of Biblical proportions.)
If my existence is going to boiled down to “Yay, I’m not bleeding to death, and I have all my limbs,” then I just don’t see the bother. That’s an existence at the level of cockroaches.
I can manage to fake a desire to do things. To lie on a daily basis to everyone I know and say things are “fine”…but you’re certainly not gonna catch me doing a damned jig.
I mean, just “surviving” is like suicide at a glacial pace.
As for “finding yourself beyond” the pain? I dunno.
I lost someone years ago, and I still have to deal with the loss everyday. Quite painfully I might add. Seriously, I’m in country music territory here.
Her absence is a tangible thing in my life. There are mornings when I wake from dreams about her that seem so real, that several minutes will pass before I realize that she’s actually gone. And that’s like starting the process all over again.
Have I managed to not die in those years? Sure. But I’m not breaking my arm patting myself on the back over it. And that’s not exactly a reason to do…well…to do much of anything, is it?
In fact, now it’s gotten to the point where I don’t simply lament my own unhappiness; I begrudge other people THEIR happiness (friends, strangers, doesn’t matter) . Why? I’m not sure. But I guess because it doesn’t feel like they’re being happy around me; it feels like they’re being happy AT me. Like every smile is an assault directed against me personally. Every laugh is a salt-in-the-wound reminder that I haven’t felt that way in years. And – as far as I can tell – I never will again.
I find it hard to believe heavy breathing and mantras are gonna cure that.
I know you didn’t mean to but your post actually made me laugh in the middle of heavy tears. Thank you for that.
You have a gift for writing and it is entertaining–I hope you continue to share that gift.
I felt this same way. I felt this way and believed it would never end. It changed though, and now it’s less consuming. But it became a part of me and a part of my spirit. The pain and experience changed me forever. The memory of just how overwhelming the pain was is a memory I will never be able to purge from my mind. Quite honestly, I don’t want to ever forget just how horrible the time was. I’ve cursed God because of it and will never understand how God thought it was okay for me to feel such profound pain. I resent the process.
One day I read a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer – quite by accident – just picked it up off the shelf in the bookstore and without thinking too much about it I bought it. Then, read it – and read it again…it changed me. It changed everything. I’ve read hundreds of books…but non as profound as what I learned from this book. The title is “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.” Now, you might be saying, “Oh, great, another book.” Well, it might not be the right book for you…it depends upon many things. For me, it was the right book at the right time and I understood the messages and am trying trying trying to make what the book teaches a part of who I am. The only other book I could compare it to in terms of life changing messages is the Bible. So, even if you’ve bought hundreds of books in the past…buy just one more.
Dear LR:
I hear what you say and yes, life cannot just be a process of survival. It has to go beyond the basics. Heavy breathing and mantras wont help you directly but it may be a ritual of reminding one that, yes they are doing something about it? It could be looked from that perspective, right? Personally I am not a believer of heavy breathing or mantras, but I believe that some form of physical activity (be it exercising, biking, dancing etc) helps to process the frustration.
I hope there comes a day when you smile genuinely and feel that the pain is just like an annoying friend who will be around and you will bump into each other every now and then, exchange greetings and move to the next person.
Please be well to yourself.
Eritrii
Hello everyone. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated reading your article and the stories that people have shared on this forum. It definitely helps knowing that you’re not alone facing heartbreak. I’ve been going through a really difficult time lately. I was with this guy for a few years and I really loved being with him. However, there were certain things we didn’t see eye to eye. I have always wanted to have kids, but he didn’t want to have kids. There were some other things we didn’t agree on as well, so I decided it would be best to break it off. I tried hanging out with other guys after the break up, but as time passed, I realized that I would gladly give up all the things that I dreamed of having just so I could spend the rest of my life with him. Although we had ended our relationship, we talked almost every week after we broke up. Perhaps that wasn’t a good idea to do, but he had initiated it and I didn’t want him out of my life completely, so we would talk over the internet a few times a week. After a few months of doing this, it was no surprise that my feelings for him really started to bubble to the surface and it made me realize that I had made a huge mistake. The guilt of breaking his heart and potentially having lost him really started to eat me away. I decided to wait a little longer, to know for sure that these feelings were sincere, before letting him know how I felt. I know that might sound selfish, but I felt that he had some feelings for me too, judging by the things he would say to me. Since we had seen each other only once after the break up, I wasn’t too sure how he felt about seeing me, so I decided to write him a letter. I hope that wasn’t too cowardly. I explained to him in the letter how sorry I was for hurting him and how much I still love him. I told him after spending some time away from each other I knew I made a mistake and that I would sacrifice everything, without hesitation, just so I could be with him again. I poured my heart and soul into this letter, and I told him that regardless of the outcome, I would still love him. I also included a little note at the beginning of the letter, telling him what the letter was about and if he didn’t feel comfortable reading the rest of it, I would truly understand. After I sent the letter, some time would pass before I received a response from him. And when I got that response, my heart broke in ways I never thought was possible. He didn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I am glad that he is happy and over our relationship, because I really believe that he deserves the best. Despite being happy that he has moved on, I am devastated. I no longer eat, sleep or do the things I used to do. I try to eliminate remainders of him, but it still doesn’t help; the mind can play cruel tricks on you sometimes. I just can’t stop thinking about him. I hate myself so much for having lost him and having caused him some pain over the break up. Friends and family tell me all the time that things will get better, but I don’t believe it. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself and I don’t think I’ll meet someone I will love as much as I love him. I know I have made some bad mistakes, and I don’t deserve sympathy, but I just felt that I had to write this down to see if it would help with the pain I feel. They say it’s good to write down your feelings. I also hope that this might help someone else cope with their pain and not feel so alone, as your stories have done with me. So I thank you again for sharing them.
Hi, I want to see what your advice is on addressing this, because it isn’t anything related to any relationship related heartbreak:
I’m a 16 year old girl, and an actress. I act with a youth Shakespearean theatre that does uncut productions of Shakespeare, Dickens and Shaw. We just started a production of Romeo and Juliet, and of all the roles in Shakespeare, there are two roles that I’ve wanted more than anyone in the world, and that is Juliet and Desdemona. Well, I played Desdemona last fall, so now it is all Juliet. I would kill to play her, I can’t see myself as anyone but her, and I’ve had her lines memorized since I was 10, and I have a really deep connection to the character that I don’t have with many acting roles. Well, I got Romeo. When I opened the casting email and saw my name next to Romeo, and not Juliet, my heart shattered. By casting me as Romeo, the director’s of the theater crushed my heart with a mallet, and I crumpled. Now, for the rest of the summer, I have to go to rehearsals everyday and see 7 of my closest friends (there are 7 casts) in the part that I have wanted more than anything else in the world (with Desdemona). I have to act opposite them, see them have extra rehearsals, see her lines in my script, see the gown at dress rehearsals, and not be at the extras, not have the lines highlighted, and have to go instead to put on the briches and cape of Romeo. Everytime, my heart will break more, and I won’t be able to hold myself together. The worst part is that I’m an apprentice director (an A.D. is a job of our theatre; for each production the directors pick several high school-age actors to lead day-to-day rehearsals), so I’m not allowed to breakdown in rehearsals; I need to be composed and professional the entire time.
I know I will never be able to get past this heartbreak with the production, and I don’t know how I’m able to pull off Romeo when I’m struggling to not break down because of not getting Juliet. Do you have any advice how to handle a heartbreak as specific and painful as this?
Hello Emmaline.
I’m 15. A year younger than you. 2 months ago, I met the same problem as you did. I am in a military related organisation in school. I was never a leader in my life, and I had finally gotten a chance to run for vice-chairperson of the organisation. I put all my time and effort into it. And for the past 3 years of my secondary education, I’ve been doing what the others never bothered to do for the organisation, and yet never get anything in return. In the end, I didn’t get the position. I was appointed secretary, which meant I had to run errands for the vice-chair and clean up after any trouble the chairperson or the vice-chair person made, but there won’t be any recognition whatsoever from anyone to me. Of course, I felt that it really wasn’t fair, especially that the person who got the position had a really bad attitude and only got chosen because the previous chairperson who stepped down for graduation favored her more than anybody else. I cried really badly, and what more was that my closest, closest, closest ever friend was appointed chairperson, and I really supported her, but ever since then, she changed a lot, and she is not like the caring friend I knew. I tried to understand, kept telling myself that she had a lot of work to do, and she is not ignoring me on purpose. But that didn’t really work, because she does not do that to anyone else. And since I am in a military related organisation, we have ranks for everybody. Being secretary, I’m stuck in the middle with a rank that looks nice to people who don’t understand. To other organisations in my school, I seem like I have a load of power to wave around, but in actual fact, no. Absolute power lies in the chairperson and the vice-chair person, and the rest of us are for decoration (I mean it.) It took me a really long time to get over it, especially with extra pressure from my mother about my academics, but at the same time, I realised that I really had cared a lot about the organisation, and I really wanted to do more for it, but I can’t, because I don’t have the power. Everyday, I look at the people who had the position I wanted having extra talks and things to take charge of that I actually want to do, and know that I am expected to work with them for a whole entire of this and next year. Its heartache, really. In the end, I decided that I am going to let go. Plan for the future. Do what I actually can for my organisation, and leave it as that. Trust in the person who got to be vice-chair. Hope that she treasures it and will do it as well as I want to. Know that I will get other chances (hey, we’re still young.) There may be other chances out there for us to grab. You can work hard to find another Romeo and Juliet play to try out for. Aim for the far far future. Maybe you want to be a full time actress? Study other characters. Understand Romeo, and live as him for the play, like how I am going to live with being a secretary. I am really glad that actually, my previous senior who was the secretary actually likes me a lot, and hopes that I can do a good job. She has high expectations of me. You’re a apprentice director. This is a good chance for you to learn more, and one day, maybe you can be a director. (why not?) As for your friends who got the role, believe that they can do it, and I hope that you wish that the role of Juliet is brought out to excellence the way you want it to be, and as Romeo, you can help your friend. I hope that it can bring you pleasure in the fact that Juliet can be well played, although maybe not by you. I am going to help my vice-chair, so she can do her job better. Sometimes we’re not meant for somethings, and if we don’t get what we want that instant, maybe its just a way of telling us we’ll shine better in another area or even, in something bigger. All the best.
so i find it very ultimately stressful to deal with this…. i mean i was in a relationship for a year and so many more months it was almost 2… but this guy ment everything to me(at the time) and i gave all i could i never cared for anyone before the way i did for him.. but we constantly were fighting over ridiculous shit all the time. and its like whenever he messed up big time i was suppose to just forgive and forget but the littlest thing i ever did our relationship didn’t seem as worth it to him. like after the first 6 months everything just started deteriorating when i met him he was sweet and wonderful but then he turned into this guy i didnt even know or want to know.. he constantly tried to talk to other girls he lied to me over the dumbest shit he even grabbed this one girls ass and told me its no big deal if we were in a “real relationship” it wouldn’t bother me in the least bit.. WOW. but after all this i forgave him and fighting ended a little but this one night everything just went to crap and that was it it was done. over. no more. he came over a week later and told me he wanted to talk he gives me all this hope on how were going to make it and things would get better and after fooling around he distanced himself and told me he didnt want to do this like wtf… he had me going nuts and crazy allmost to the point i couldnt stop. days later i decided i was for sure done no more of that. ever. sooo i did a pretty bitch move and started talking to his best friend all just to spite him. make him hate me so bad hed never think about comming back. i mean pretty much all guys were scumbags in my eyes and i didnt want to risk in the littlest bit him thinking that he could mess up my head more than what he did.. but lately i seem like my life is shit and i cant get over it i have to much stress nd constant memories of things that make this very hard to hide the pain and tears hopefully this helps otherwise idk what to do.. i keep having this feeling like somethings wrong and not right all the time now nd it feels like my heart drops over and over again its something i cant explain im not sure if theres something wrong with me or if its just everything thats going on or happened .. sometimes i just want to let go of everything like lifes not important anymore or ever was. but i dont believe in that kind of thing ive been fighting off depression like my whole life i just find ways to deal nd keep my mind off things but lately nothing works. and this guy im with now is soo utterly amazing and the sweetest boy ive ever in my entire life met. sometimes i feel like maybe were connected in a way thats just too complicated to understand. its only been a short wile but i feel like id give anything for it to last a short wile longer. ive never met someone thats made me feel the way he does like im actually not alone in the world but its more than just that theres something there that i just cant explain and i know its weird to feel this way soo fast but im so comfortable with him i never hardly let my guard down ever but with him its like im so relaxed and the walls i put up take them selves down with out me realizing.. nd boy is that the scariest thing to me ever. ive never thought twice about us ever nd all of a sudden this feeling the my heart dropping over and over unexplainable somethings not right weird uncomfortable (panicky.? i guess) feeling comes over me. i have no clue how or why it just hit nd i feel like its so unfair to him because i just started bawling and couldnt really give an explanation.. other than i feel terrible. what kind of explanation is that. but he went with it and tryed to understand the best i could explain and just held me nd tryed to cheer me up until i could stop the tears. which is why i hate that this happened. i still am unaware of what is making me feel this way and i guess im just looking for anyone whose ever felt this feeling before or has any advise on it… if not i guess this was still a healthy way to vent
Hey I really liked this article and Thich Nhat Han and think the exposure of peoples’ responses were really touching. I too have problems, but it’s really hard for me to pinpoint them. It seems like most of my adult life I have been dealing with anxiety and depression and rage. Perhaps this is just because recently I’ve been dealing with girl issues and that can be a catalyst, but girl issues or not, when I really look back at it I can only remember a few times when I was truly happy. This might be because I just dwell on the bad things, I just don’t know. Anyway, everytime I get close to happiness it seems like I do something (almost purposely) to screw it up because there is something inside of me that says, “You don’t deserve this,” and something else that says “You’re right.” So I often sabotage myself. I try to be nice to people, but sometimes I burn bridges out of spite for some trouble they may have caused me. I don’t cling to anybody really; I don’t like or understand relationships and don’t feel the need to be in one. When I see people around me who are happy (or who seem to be) I wonder what is wrong with me. I want to change but I don’t want to for anyone else, least of all a girl. I can also become filled with rage (“the Wrath,” I call it tenderly) at the drop of a pin, and it eats away at me. I feel like I’m becoming more and more cynical all the time and if I were to hear that somebody didn’t like me, I’d completely understand because the truth is that I don’t really like me.
I’ve had relationships in the past but none of them have worked and most have just been turtorous. I find myself developing a kind of sexist attitude (please don’t be offended ladies) and it’s getting bad. I’m not a mysoginist by any means, and I strongly believe in women’s rights, but I’m beginning to hate females because in my experience they’re all the same. I feel that girls are all selfish and shallow and desultory (again, I’m really sorry ladies) and that they all – every last one of them – have their price, and that upsets me. I used to be that romantic guy who would buy a girl flowers but not any longer; I feel like that part of me was taken away. When a relationship ends I get hurt, like everyone does, but my heartache turns into contempt, and regardless of who broke up with who, I try to make the girl hate me back because in some twisted way that makes me feel better about my own misdeeds and frailties, and it makes me forget about her quicker. I rarely ever stay friends with someone with whom I’ve had any kind of romantic connection.
The most confusing part of all this is that there is something to my scathe and scorn that I’m proud of, even though I don’t like the way I am. I don’t budge for anyone, I’m a tough individual (not physically, I’m skinny as a rail), and I accept life for what it is. I’m a 23 year-old student teacher and often do kind things for others without expecting anything in return. People actually look up to me and envy the way I am, which I find strange. So, to put it simply, there are things about myself that I like.
Anyway, I’m not expecting a response to this post. It’s just a confessional, facing the pain and everything. But if any body else feels the way I do (or if any ladies feel the same way about guys that I do about girls, I can understand) and wants to relate, go ahead. Please don’t post anything mean or nasty about me I’ll just ignore it if you do.
my name is heathe i am 21 and married..We live together but the pain he put me threw it makes it hard for me evn to look at him when will the feelinga go away and ill be strong again somw mornings i feel like getting out of bed is a tall order.. wehave a daughter shes 8months, she is so beautiful my heart hurts for her also bc if i leaveher dad she will never get to see him bc i know he will make no efforrt he sayd he will but i dont belive him.. i feel so negative abiut myselflike im not attractive i feel like i could walk in front of him naked and get no responce:(
lonely in a crowded room and heartbroken
I am in a situation where my boyfriends mother does want us together she is trying to break us up.
i dont know what to do anymore she has a problem with everything i do even though her son is happier then ever with me.
he is my everything i love him to bits but she is making my life a living hell and i cant take it anymore she doesnt want to accept me but my mom and dad love him to bits so please tell me what to do
i married someone even tho his mom hated me trust me it always comes back around best of luck:)
I’m missing my best friend so much and it’s killing me. Our connections are cut off, and I can’t stand it. She’s like a long-lost sister to me, and she always makes me laugh. She’s always there to put a smile on my face which I desperately need every day. But, since I haven’t talked to her in awhile, I’m going through a lot of emotional pain and I can’t stop missing her. What do I do?
It hurts like hell! It’s a physical pain, I feel it in my chest. Everything else is numb, apart from my heart. He’s getting married in four days… not to me. I hope this passes. I really do hope.
Its a long shot that you might read this, but what if after all this, there is just nothing but pain and hurt. What then? I cant stop crying, its like i have unlimited tears.
Reading these comments let’s me know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I can relate to the 46 year old with the 20 something man. I am 37 he is 26. I was played the entire time. Simply b/c someone says they are single doesn’t mean it’s exactly true.
Started a long-distance relationship 8 months ago, his plan went sour to see me frequently, but we did finally meet. Sure the I love you too messages blah blah. He said he would try to work out the long-distance part, but I seemed to be doing all the work. Love is not hard and should be easy. Come to find out he was contacting this woman while visiting me and I was able to verify that she is his “woman.” After leaving from visiting me his contact was limited and boom that female intuition set-in to dig deeper. Just hurts that he has been with her the entire time he was playing me, and didn’t even bother to tell her b/c I suppose I am left-overs. Sent me a text this morning saying they broke up and he is now single. What a joke! Another game to flip flop me back and forth, but I’m not falling for it and moving on, period. I told him that regardless he will go running back to her each and every time since he has done it before. I guess I have idiot written on my face since he even took it to that level. I will get over the pain and heartache, but I just hate the feeling. Killing me inside w/ a heavy heart. Every man that has entered my life has done this too me. Just stop please! What makes me feel really horrible is the fact that “he” said he knows how it feels and has been there with heartache. So in other words keep stepping. The age wasn’t a big deal, but the deceit and lies I am unable to handle. Lord have mercy on me and anyone else dealing with the torment of love!
I just got hurt badly by a guy I didn’t even date… he used me and didn’t even call me his girlfriend… he has been ignoring me and deleting things I posted on his facebook. I cannot forget because he hasn’t said anything!! I know I should expect nothing more from him, but I just need him.
So here is my little blurb. I was dating a girl for 18 months, things were great. We moved in with each other in the Summer of 2010. We started fighting consistently, I went elsewhere for attention, never slept with anyone but lets say the flirting was less then appropriate. My girl at the time found out, I tried to make things better and the fighting only became worse. In a hasty decision I moved out in December 2010. 2 weeks later I met the girl of my dreams.
Everyone has those mental checklists they have when they meet people and this girl exceeded everything. Most beautiful girl I’ve ever met, both inside and out. The sex was amazing, we connected and she was so affectionate. It was everything I wanted from the previous relationship but never got. The timing was extremely bad but figured I would kick my own ass if I didn’t atleast see where the new relationship would go. She lives close and because of that I spent almost every single day with her. Things were moving fast but I was told it was mutual and that she had always dreamed of being with someone who treated her so great. Two weeks ago, I felt a shift in her energy, she didn’t want to have sex, there was no affection and she was taking longer to return my txts and calls. I figured something was up and I thought the worst of course. I went and saw her last thursday hoping to figure out what was wrong and patch it up. She dumped me. She said that she had a change of heart and there were things about me she couldn’t deal but didn’t tell me what only because she didn’t want to hurt me.
Apparently when she is with someone and her feelings change, she can become a huge bitch and basically do stuff to the point where I hate her. She cared and respected me so much that she felt it was best to cut the relationship off when we were on good terms as she wanted to keep me in her life as a close friend. This has devastated me. I’ve never been one to think about marriage or kids, but she changed that, I actively thought about getting married, seeing the world together and raising a family and it came to sudden halt. It’s been 2 weeks today since she tore my heart out and stomped on it. Due to my lonlieness, I contacted my ex of 18 months again, because I did not deal with the hurt and pain of that relationship there are still feelings floating around for both of us. I can’t go back to that relationship and she understands, but she’s at a point in her life where she’s been dealing with our breakup for the last 3 months. She has told me she can no longer talk to me as its not fair to her.
I’m now sitting here, trying to come to terms with the pain I’m feeling. Dealing with two breakups all compounded into one, raw feelings for my recent ex who wants me in her life but doesn’t want a relationship and old feelings that have been stirred up by my previous ex. I have a bad habit of going from relationship to relationship and filling the void with random girls and short lived relationships. Im full of hurt and pain and don’t know where to start the healing. I’ve cut myself off from friends and my work in the last two weeks.
Writing this has helped put my thoughts on paper and realized that I’m not alone in this heartache. For anyone reading this, I appreciate it.
im lost i dont know what to do. my gf of almost a year just broke up with me. i know its my fault but i only did it to give her the life we imagined. im married im trying to get an annulment for us to get married. i guess she did not understand what i did to be with her and spend the rest of our lives together. i love her so much. we work in the same company and were only a floor away. i cant bare the fact that someday i would see her with another guy coz i imagined mylife with her. and still hoping that i can win her back.
My husband moved out when I was two months pregnant. He moved into a house with two friends, a guy and a girl. He does not call about the baby or to lend any kind of support during my pregnancy. He does, however, show up for ultrasound appointments. I had my last one on Monday, Valentine’s Day, and he did come to that. We found out the gender of the baby and had a wonderful visit and I felt like we really connected. Thirty minutes after he left the appointment, he called me to inform me that he is now in a relationship with the woman he lives with and did not want me to find out from mutual friends as this is now a known fact.
I am devastated. I had been harboring hope that it would only be a matter of time before he cleared his head and returned to the relationship and our child, now five months in the womb. He has been flaunting this new relationship around town and takes her regularly to dinner parties and social events with our mutual friends. I am at home, depressed, unable to function, and somehow trying, amidst it all, to prepare for the child WE decided to bring into this world.
How do I move on? I know on a rational level that this relationship is over. How do I explain that to my heart? How do I stop feeling hurt? How do I deal with the lack of respect he is showing our six year relationship and our unborn child? How do I heal?
i experinced some of the same things.. i was married and my husband is in the marine we choose to get pregnant before he left for afganstine then while he was there foget all about me to me he didnt want nothing to do with me or the baby andhe got mad when he found out we was havin a girl and wouldnt talk to m for montha i was heartbroken and once he got back it took him weeks to come see me and his new born child when most men were wanting to be with there familes he was away goingparying and cheating i can relate its a deep pain but i wish u nothing but the best of luck
I have started feeling pain after reading your stories…and now can say only lucky ones experience such a beautiful pain…so all you my friends just dont worry but enjoy the pain. Love you all.
I feel I have no right to this pain I feel. I went on a date last night with a man who is 29 and I am 46. He asked me out, we have things in common. He is starting a new business and (voluntarily) I did lots of research for him because I really like him. I don’t “feel” middle aged; I see a lot of music bands, I hang out with people from 20-80. On the other hand, I have been single all my life, I had some boyfriends in my 20s but no-one in my 30s, for many reasons. I get so lonely and now my biological clock is finishing (well almost) it feels like my life is over. Last night went ok; he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek at the end of the evening but I suddenly felt terribly, terribly old and unlovable and stupid and the emotional pain is vast. It’s taken me a very long time to recognise the opposite of what Rinatta says above; namely that I AM lonely, and whilst not as ashamed of it as I once was, it doesn’t ever get any better and I don’t want to delude myself. On the other hand I feel I just want to hide in a cave because for the life of me, I’ve run out of ideas what to do. Nothing helps. I feel I either live in a delusion, kidding myself I’m ok or feel like this. Sorry for the rant but maybe someone will identify with this.
Barbara: I am about your age and have experienced similar things with men younger than myself. It does make use feel a little old and that can be depressing I suppose. When that happens I look at beautiful women on the web in the 40’s and 50’s and even oldeer…like Michelle Pfeiffer and Madonna, and Rachael Welch etc and realize my life is not over and I am still beautiful and desireable. I also think about the fact that the 29 year old will one day be 79…because it happens to all of us. Age is a # and if we are lucky that # comes with many experiences we can treasure. Don’t hide in a cave…instead, make a plan. Spend time making some goals…like a new hair color or losing a little weight or researching what changes you can achieve on the inside and out. I had a mini face lift and it made me look 10 years younger. Some may think plastic surgery etc is too extreme, but I look at it like I look at make up and buying and wearing clothing that improve your looks. It’s all good. Stand strong my sweet sister. We are lovable and our experience makes us sexy. I’m sure with a capital “S” you are better at sex today then you ever were when you were 29 . You are beautiful
Barbara, I know how you feel but he made me feel even younger since I workout a lot and have lots of energy. Our stories of being single in the 30’s sound very similar. The relationship with my young hottie if that is what you want to call went way beyond a cheek to cheek kiss.
Not sure what city you are in, but I want to reach out and give you a huge hug and cry on each others shoulders. Btw, I had Dysport about 2 weeks before he came and it makes me look even more amazing 😉
i am 29 married witha child. my husband and i got married early and never experienced other people (sexually). Recently we have been talking about being with other people. I started talking to a guy from schoola dn hung out a few times. One thing lead to another and we were almost intimate. My husband went out as well but didnt get quite as far. Now we have stopped these relationships because i have started to have anxiety and depression over this incident.
now i cant stop thinking about my time spent with the other guy, what we did, said and could have done. Is this situation leading me to be depressed or am i depressed because i want out of my current situation?? i am soo confused can i not stop thinking about this other guy becasue i didnt get what i wanted from him or because i dont love my husband anymore and am looking for a way out?
please help!!!!
well here i go with my little story …… 6 years ago i taught that i found my soule mate every thing was perfect no fight olny good times no cheating no lies nothing bad so wee decide to have a kid and then problems started i had to work harder to aford the rents of a bigger house. so she blamed me for not being around when i was home every day after work never having time to see my friends. she said that she need to go out so i told her to go see her friends and that after work ill stay home with the kid….. she did and her friends intreduced her to a boy and when i found out about this wee brok up….. couple of weeks laters she asked me to come back she said that she misses home and i said yes come back home because after all that i still had love for the women that carried my child 9 month. after a while wee brok up again seance that day she go then comme back to me and it have ben like this for 2 years but now seance wee have a kid i have to keep in touche with her and it hurt me every time i see her because some time i meet up with boys she had slept with when wee wer not in a relationship man that suck because you have to find out by your self you put the puzzzel together but the final picture is painfull and it still hurt every time i let her go … my parents allways told me family first so that put me in a painfull loupe where i dont see a way out be cause if i have a chance to get my family back i will allways grab it !
I came across your website and I can relate to it. I waited 4 years for a man hoping he would love me one day. he is a public figure. I hid my relationship from my family. He played with my emotions and aways confused me. I truly loved him. He raised his hand on me a few days ago and left me outside his house and called a cab for me while I was begging him to come back. I kept texting him not to leave me and he would call and hangup. He sent me and email saying he’s sorry and to move on as he’s not Gina settle down anytime soon but at the same time he put up a profile wanting to date. I truly loved him and would cook clean for him. I feel like mu soul left my body and do not trust men anymore. I
Am getting depressed. I’m not a same person I use to be 4 years ago and I’m 32 years of age. ;(
Thanks Boston
You know sometimes it just hurts so bad. Like now the tears just fall and seriously I wonder why do people do this to each other. Why not just say something. Be honest. It is never a game.
Here it is daytime – Christmas already! Aussie!
I just want to shut the book once and for all. Instead of game playing.
I’m glad you are feeling better. I will now scroll up and check out your story. Hope it’s not a tear jerker!! You made me smile that someone out there cares. Chrissy x
It’s Christmas day and I just want this pain to end. I cannot function like this.
He has hurt me so bad. I could easily take revenge. But I try not to hurt others because I know how it feels. I just want to end it. But I know I’m too gutless to do it so I just have to live with the pain.
Breath in breath out. How much longer….
Hey Chrissy,
I’m sorry that you are feeling such pain on this night and on any night. I know this pain well as I wrote back on Oct 12th just how much I was hurting too. I can honestly say that it does get better over time and the pain will ease. These things happen for a reason…lessons are learned and through them we grow much stronger and wiser. Please, please, please give yourself time to see what great things are ahead for you. You’re in my thoughts,
Feeeling better in Boston
I dont find dealing with heartache, gets any easier. I was once deeply in love with a man who constantly lied and cheated on me and made me ill with depression. Five years on, although i got over him, i still have to deal with low moods and i have dated other people although they have all cheated on me too. And each time it has hurt, so i havent found it any easier to deal with
I am definitely gonna do the meditation. I need wateva help i can get right now cuz im so hurt and broken i dnt wanna barely live. If it wasnt for my son i would waste away.. This is my first true true love in all my 26 years of living and i have been hurt twice by this person. I still want them too. Idiot? Lol.. Yea but i love em! I dnt wanna move on. I want us to grow and mature to wat i kno we can be.. For now i will let em go tho and deal with my pain!
Brie, i know exactly what you mean. I also love my husband so much, and i would also take myself out if it were not for my son. Im also 26 & felt so lucky. Now i watch everything that i have worked so hard for just melting infront of my eyes. Last night was another one of those nights were he never came home. Though it hurts, i don’t want to let him go, but for now i don’t have a choice but to let go, just for now, deal with my pain cz there’s not much i can do & hope & pray that God will make everything alright cz he is the only one who can heal & restore the love he once had for me. I have been doing the meditation & i haven’t quite gotten there yet, but im going to try harder. Good luck to u & God bless.
Hi Brie, I understand how you feel. I’m not married, but I’ve been deeply in love like that, just wanting things to go back to the way the were. You’re not an idiot. You just want things to workout. Men are really funny people. I know that you have heard this before, but they like to chase. If you can muster up the strength to give him a chase. Do a little acting. Fix yourself up go out with some friends, even if it’s just shopping. Don’t let him see how worried you are about him. Do things that make yourself feel good. Act happy, and a little mysterious. When he sees, your new found confidence, maybe that will turn his attention back to you.
i am with my husband for 4yrs & we’ve been married for 6months. I recently found out tht he is having an affair. I have tried communicating with him & he always tells me that i nag him & tht the other lady understands him more than i do & she doesn’t nag him. I have always given him the freedom to be himself & supported him in everything he does but lately he has rejected me. He spends countless nights away from home & every single minute i live, i am so afraid of those late nights filled with anxiety of where he is what he is doing, it hurts. He says he has ended the relationship with the other lady but the fact that he still sleeps out from time to time, keeps hs phone on silent or off the moment he walks into he house, walks out of the room to answer his phone, doesn’t pick up his phone when he is out, this all kicks a very harsh reality in my face tht he is still seeing her. the worst part is tht everytime i try to talk to him about it he gets so mad & ends up rejecting me. I hv spent sleepless nights alone in my bed wishing he would come home only to see him the following morning or afternoon. I still love him very much & i feel so helpless in saving my marriage. Everyday, the pain seem to get worse & worse, nothing makes it better. I really want my husband back, emotionally & physically. I am so hurt tht at times i feel like my heart is stopping to function. i am tired of sittin everyday, afraid of what he is going to do to hurt me tht day, each & everyday.
Broken hearted & lost in love.
Awww that is so sad! I hope you get your heart’s desire although I have to say he doesn’t deserve you!
Angel, I hope you know that you are not alone in what you’re going through. My husband had an affair too, and I experienced almost exactly what you’ve described. Just reading what you wrote brought back a lot of painful memories… but that is what they are – memories. As this article says, you will survive! I offer this encouragement, and a little advice: do whatever you have to do to put some space between you and your husband. Take up a hobby that occupies your mind and your time so you’re not sitting around wondering what he is up to. Focus on you and only you. It has been over a year since my husband broke off his affair, and we are still married. Every situation is different, and although we both still have a lot of healing to do, I can honestly say that I am a better person because I took this advice. You may also want to look into the book/program titled “Divorce Remedy” if you really want to salvage your marriage, or at the very least your self-esteem.
To Giana,
Thank you for sharing. Hope your dream comes true.
Thanks Bob, but I don’t know. However, don’t give up on love Bob. You had a great relationship with her, you can have another great one with someone else again. This article is true about allowing yourself to feel the emotional pain. It really does fade out after some time. I lost a love in Dec 2008. he was killed in a car accident. I was so devastated. I was a complete mess. I re-lived what his last moments were like in my head over and over again, and it used to just kill me. I lost so much weight because I was barely eating, or drinking. I was wasting away. Now because I kept replaying everything over and over again in my head, I’m immuned to it. I can look at his picture now, and not cry. I don’t hurt over it anymore. I miss him, and feel sad that he’s not here, but I can have relationships, fall in love now, I can eat again…All that emotional pain that used to be so big and so major, and just preyed on my mind constantly has now been made so small. Now I have new pain over someone else, but I know we can all get thru this.! I did do a lot of praying though.
15 years alone, going back to get my degree and met a wonderful woman. She was closed off emotionally and hurt. We were kindred hearts. Her kindness and love lifted me. My love, emotional support, financial help lifted her. I poured into her, she was empowered, out of her depression. she was laughing again. Told me she love me, was kind and affectionate. Her new sense of empowerment inspired her to work on a previous relationship with the one who hurt her. They are communicating again, working things out for sake of kids. I helped and maybe unintentionally saved a family. But I feel sick, I’m odd man out. After 15 years I started to love again and now this. Hope is gone, heart hurts very bad. Saved a family, it’s good, but I’m sick, afraid I will go back into a shell that was 15 years in the making. SIGH
To Bob: The same thing happened to me. I met someone, a really sweet guy who was recently divorced. he was really lonely,and wanted a relationship. Since January 2010 he has pursued me. I finally, gave him a chance. We fell in love and were both happy. With his new found happiness, he decided to go back to his divorced wife and work things out for the sake of his son. I was devastated! I am so heart broken. I just can’t belieive it. However, I tried to be understanding about it his decision, but hope that he will come back to me. I think the only reason that I feel better is because I still have hope that he will be back with me. His ex wife is in another country, and he’s supposed to go back there in April 2011. I just hope he will change his mind. He’s still in contact with me. I know that I’m in a huge mess. I’m just waiting for him to change, but hopefully, I will smarten up before I get more devastation. This site does help me to feel a little better =)
i know exactlly what your going threw ive been with my wife for 6 years she had three kids one of them i raised from 3 months old her dad was never around for 6 years now hes been comming around for a month and now my wife wants a divorce she wants to give him a chance i guess. he did nothin but hurt her but now she want to go back i dont understand its driving me insane i wish the pain would stop but it wont what makes it worse im unemployed nothin to do rite now but sit around and think about it but its making it worse
It’s good to know that I’m not the only one with some of these thoughts. Being someone who was led on for a few years by my best friend, then, a few months later, being replaced by one of my other best friends, I sometimes feel like it’s too much to really take. That problems keep arising and there is only so much a person can handle; but I am always open to new ideas, so I’ll try this meditation.
The line –
“Feeling I am not good enough, I breathe in.
Seeing nothing good about me, I breath out.”
Really struck me. Because, at least my problems, going to the very core of them, they left me wondering why. And it was never answered. So, by default, you have to wonder what’s wrong with you.
Thank you for writing the article, it gives an interesting perspective, but it really does show I’m not alone in feeling the things I am.
Thanks.
i have funny strong feelings for a girl next do, but she looks older than me, when ever i think about her, i feel too dad and the these feelings have refused to go away from my heart pliz help me
“If you are married or in a long term relationship, you would perhaps speak up for yourself more because you knew that you could tolerate the pain of your partner’s rejection or his or her displeasure with you.”
I’m in a long term relationship and I always speak up for myself. I used to be able to tolerate it but lately, I couldn’t. I’ve been suffering from heartache for a while now but I can’t get myself to just walk away and let the relationship go. I am afraid of never finding love again and being lonely…which is one of the biggest reason why. I still love him but I don’t want to keep feeling the anxiety of being with him.
I’m gonna start doing the meditation you posted. You’re article really made sense to me too. Thank you.
“I still love him but I don’t want to keep feeling the anxiety of being with him.”
This really resonates with me. The only thing harder than staying, is leaving.
I to understand the concept of heartache, the experience that the body itself “shuts itself down” in order for you to sit there and bask in it’s copious amounts of pain, like waves constantly beating on your heart. Yes, you’re physically fine and I appreciate the way you’ve interpreted it, as do many readers. However, the mental outcome isn’t as lucky. Love brought me up, Pain brought me down. Don’t think me stereotypical, I’m a loving guy and when I’m in love I’m quite literally deep in. But the loss of that love sent me crazy. Krazy. KRAZAY. Truly and utterly mental (To the point of me going to a guy’s house with a wooden bar at about 10pm in order to destroy his car).
My point being, that yes we as humans all feel this pain and deal with it our own ways, but as much as physical scars last emotional ones feel 100x bigger and deeper and seem to last a whole lot longer somehow.
Still, thankyou for the advice it’s very comforting.
Lew.
I thank you miss understood me i have been hurt by some one I thought loved me and ive suffered from it for years and the pain of it some times sneeks up on me i dont love him any more but it hurts what he put me through and now that ive been with my new man for 2 years he made me relize you just cant change plp and wait for them to be ready for you beleave meeeeee i no all about what ur talking about i had no one to help me in the past no one to talk to and I was 15 an with no family then when all that hit me i had to move away so i moved away with a broken heart but now that im a women I relize that the way that my body would reack to him being gone and the crying tell you can breathe if some one dosent want you any more you have to tell your self to move on every day because for some reson that person wasent for you your makeing your self evan sicker wasteing years on how you want them back and thats not real love because if some one loves you they run after you love isnt I love you today but im leaveing tomarrow love isent just given to you its earned plp need to stop being so easy to giveing there feelings up to anothers and the thang im trying to say is we all have one life one and when you waste it hurting over some one thats not hurting over you you waste ur life away and that person that cryed in there bed wishing to god that they would be sent a wonderful person lost there chance because so many plp waste there time on evil plp
.-= brittany´s last blog ..By- Nina =-.
it comforts me alot that someone else feels this pain it makes me feel less lonley and yes i can servive it i mean i have to or i will see her moving on with her life and iam just drowning i dont want this to happen but its still too hard
yeah but if thats whats makeing pain why keep it around and thanking about it every day drags you down and then you life gose down the drain and you cant get back what you lost
.-= brittany´s last blog ..By- HL =-.
thank you for this article, bookmarked
Although I can relate a great deal to what you are saying, I find that I cannot fully relate to the “fear” of feeling pain. I feel pain every day. I can’t hide from it. The pain is what is real to me. But, what I long for is to have him back. I can’t stop thinking that when I get back home to California, I will see him again. I am scared that I will fall back into the same routine with him, and wind up consistently disappointed and heartbroken, feeling love unreciprocated. How can I teach myself to let go of him and avoid making the same mistakes? From what I have read, you advise me to “feel the pain”. I have “felt the pain” and steeped myself in it for months, yet I still have yet to let him go. I don’t know what to do. I want to be free, I want to stop dreaming about him. I want to stop rejecting other prospects out of my desire for his characteristics which make it impossible for anyone to compete.
Please help me.
I can’t stop thinking about him.
Elsa:
I understand what you are saying and I feel the same things. I wonder if you finally found some peace or if you still dream about him and compare other prospects to him? I dated someone for 8 months and we broke up…and now it’s 9 months later and I still pine for him….that seems so unfair because I’ve been hurting longer than we even dated. He is dating someone and we met for a drink and I miss him terribly and told him so. I want to move on but I cannot. I’m living through the pain and trying to learn from it but it isn’t getting any better. In fact, I truly believe it’s worse as time goes by. I try to consider it’s my ego that’s hurt and I want what I can’t have and all those human traits that aren’t so healthy…but still, I cannot shake my desire for him. I’ve been on many dates and all the men are very nice and they all want to go out again and I just run in the opposite direction. Why? Because I don’t want to forget “the one”…I don’t want another man to take that memory away. AND…I don’t have any desire to have an intimate relationship with anyone because I just want to be intimate with him. Do you feel these things? Do you have any suggestions?
hi I really like your thoughts about
emotional pain I no im not the only one that feels it
but I feel that most pains are to painful to make your self relive it every day
I dont want to thank about it I WILL TRY but lifes pain sometime is just to much for you body mind and soul
.-= brittany´s last blog ..By- boston =-.
i feel a sharp pain in my heart he has been avoiding me not calling me and i decided to keep quete not bother him, its hard but thanks to your article i now want to concentrate on this pain that i am feeling untill i fell better. some one out there if he calls seeing that am quite should i take his calls or ignore them coz am still weak and vounerable.
I just found out that my girlfriend of 8 months is sleeping with another man…at this moment. Ouch!! I’m sick over this…physically ill, shaking, and can’t seem to stop thinking about it (the details). The pain of this alone is very difficult to deal with…nevermind what’s coming next, the end of our relationship. Ugh! It’s going to be very tough on me but I’m going to try to feel the pain as you have written and not run away from it as I have in the past. I’m holding out hope that there is something wonderful on the other side….just writing that last sentence gives me a little hope.
Heart aching in Boston
I know how you feel, my boyfriend of 3 years told me he still has some feelings for his EX and that we need to take a break. The fear of him going back to her, throwing these 3 years away, and saying goodbye to the chance of an above average future of happiness with me is eating me up. It is easy to lose sight of the facts that give you power. I have to work really hard to remind myself that I have a whole life of mine to plan and that I will only feel confidence in myself if i can achieve my personal goals. I have collapsed inward since we broke up, feeling insecure and as though the world may be over. I still love him of course… and i have loved him 100% since the beginning. But like this article says, there is power in tolerating the pain to find a new good. How hard it is to face your fears, eh.
i thought i would share my story with you all so you could see the light at the end of the tunnel!
I’m 20 years old and i was with a man (i call him a man but he was definitely still a boy!) for about a year and a half. I think we were completely inlove. I know i loved him more than anything, he claimed i was the most beautiful girl he’d ever laid eyes on and that he would marry me if i’d have him. Most of the time we had an incredible relationship, when he was happy about himself and his life we were perfect. About 4 or 5 times during the relationship he had huge freak outs, he’d say he loved me more than anything but i was making him stay in a place he hated and stopping him from being the man he imagined himself as, ie, we met too young. I suppose i brought him down to earth and i was his reason to stay. This happened for the last time about 8 or 9 months ago when he went on a trip abroad. Everything was perfect until the last 4 days, when i knew for certain something was wrong but he’d deny it repeatedly. It turned out he had developed feelings for another girl he was with during the trip, and he talked to her about being unsure of his feelings for me and wanting to get away, believing that there must be something better, a better life for him.
This by far has been the worst experience of my life. The first 5 months i couldn’t have imagined anything worse. The day after the break up i was sick repeatedly. This grew to being sick 3 times a day, which lasted 2 weeks, after that i couldn’t eat properly, the smell and thought of food made me gag. brushing my teeth made me gag, thinking about him made me gag! I grew weak, tired and drained and horrifically sad.
However it was a strange experience. I found new passions and loves for other things and other people. My relationships grew stronger with my family and friends, i made so many more friends, i was inspired by the whole experience and amazed by people and the world, and my potential future. I also laughed more in those months than i ever have done before, aswell as cried. I began to see what he was running from and why. In These months i had some of the most incredible experiences i’ve ever had.
In the article i was struck by many things, that have come exactly true for me. The first is that now i feel i am at the other end of the pain, i DO feel that gold, which is the most incredible feeling of knowing absolutely no-one can bring me down. Whilst in the relationship i was tense scared something would finally go wrong, looking back i see that most of the time i felt sadness because of it although i did not know at the time. I’ve survived it and now i feel completely invincible.
The second is that I also dealt with the hurt at the time, i don’t think he did at all, (a seemingly typical male trait?) he ran off abroad for some months and i’m sure he did his best to block out the hurt, involving other girls and other new friends and doing the things he loved. ALWAYS deal with it, its so important, there is no point lying to yourself, it’s important when you’ve got through it, to be able to look back and see exactly what happened and not get that twang of hurt anymore. That is an amazing feeling, when it no longer hurts like it used to.
The third thing was the forgiveness, i forgave him and it helped me so much.
I feel free from the pain, and i think i have nearly let go. The first time i saw him 4 months on, it was in a pub, we didn’t speak or acknowledge each other, and i looked around and noticed how a good half of the guys in the room were better looking, and lots looked like fun and i’m sure had interesting stories. he suddenly seemed nothing special anymore, i saw him without my rose tinted glasses.
Since we broke up and he got back we’ve had some talks were he was sometimes been very regretful and sorry, thinks there may not be someone better for him than me. The other times, after he expresses this, he hides, at the time he arranges to meet again, it’d be nice to catch up etc, then he doesn’t get in touch about it untill we’re in different cities and it’s impossible. He explains he has not changed and it would only be a re-run of the past.
We have moved on from this now, for once i have those doubts about whether it would be a good idea for me, i don’t want it to spoil the life i have built for myself now, with him being in it. I’m being selfish, something i have never ever been with that boy ever before. I recently saw his mum and his dog about to pick him up from the station. I pretty much looked the other way pretended not to see her, although I’m pretty sure the dog recognised me as he stared at me for a good 10 seconds before being distracted by a leaf or something. Anyway, the point is, a couple of months ago, i would have done anything in my power to get some kind of a reaction out of him to see if he still cared.
i had the perfect opportunity to see him and make him acknowledge me at least, feel sad, or something, anything. but i didn’t, i walked straight out without a second thought. you may think this is a silly annecdote aswell as not a big accomplishment. but to me it was huuuuge.
Don’t ever underestimate these seemingly small things that you do and achieve after a break up. You should be so proud every day that you wake up after something like this happens, because i know it is by an extreme mile the hardest thing i have ever been through.
Turn the experience into a good thing, a life changing one, discover what you want and you love again, something you often lose sight of in a relationship. Become the person you want to be.
I still care a lot about him and i occassionaly get concerned with the possibility or never being that inlove again. I also still compare potential boyfriends to him and his sometimes annoying and bad characteristics, and obviously they never match up. I am not quite there yet, but it’s coming. i can feel it 😀
i’d love to know the little or big steps you’ve taken to let go if you wouldn’t mind telling me, and the ways you’ve adjusted yourself and your lives for the better. Loved the article by the way.
xxxxxx
Thank you for this!!! Pouring myself into my studies and work.
Thank you for posting this. I, as well, am 20, and even though my story is much different, it’s great to read that such an intense situation can be felt and survived. I met a guy three weeks ago and we decided to start dating. He’s much, much older than I am and wasn’t wanting to rush into anything. He assured me he wasn’t seeing other people and that he was open to a relationship after we spent some time dating and getting to know each other. He had a lot of great traits and quirks that I really really liked, and my mom encouraged me to just enjoy what was happening and not to overthink the details. For over a week straight my gut and chest felt so heavy, and so sick. I had to force myself to eat when I was hungry. I knew my gut was telling me something was wrong. He was great when we were alone; sweet, affectionate. He contaced me daily and made kind gestures…until we were out in public. He would stand far away from me and not pay attention to our conversation. If we ran into friends, he would walk away from me to go talk to them and often wouldn’t introduce me. I told myself “I will not convince someone to want me.” My old habit would be to stay with him and try harder to get him to want me, but I decided to follow my gut. When I broke it off I think it really caught him off guard. It ended amicably enough, 4 days ago.
The “relationship” was short, very short, but the pain is still there. I know I made the right choice and stood up for myself, but my heart remembers the good things about him. The warmth.
The mornings are the worst. I wake up and my mind immediately picks up right where it left off, and the sopping sponge in my chest is still there. I think the worst part about it is I don’t feel like myself. My room looks different, work seems different, eating cereal on the back porch in the morning is different. I know that pain will not kill us, but I feel like it’s slowly damaging me. I don’t just want to be ok. I want to feel happy on my own again. I was just going about my own life when he and I met, and I feel like I was thrown right off course.
I know the pain will go away, but in moments like this it seems insurmountable. I know from past, much longer relationships, that the pain goes away, even when you’re convinced your world is over, the pain goes away….
Thanks again for posting this. I look forward to the otherside, I just hope I make it there.
hi neo.
What I think you should do is to find new interests and friends, grow your confidence first. If he rings dont answer for now until you feel ready. You can always tell him you were busy if he asks. A guy for some reason is turned off by a girl who is emotional unless they are currently on that same level.
(i am feeling pain from my current ex, my current answer for myself is to not chase him and when i see him, be confident, cool and happy even if you dont feel it)
Well where to start? I met the One Love of All Times for me. He has given me alot. We went through some very rough times in the first year but have let go of alot of things and now we have a great relationship I hope. He still holds back some because of 2 bad marriages. I was married for 24 years to the same man and the man I am with now is the only 2nd man I have dated really. Well it has been almost 3 years now and the time I feel is marriage and so do many others, who constantly ask me when is thew big day? Well he is terrified of the word but I believe if you are witrh the right person then marriage is for you. So I have this undying pain in my heart and this is all I think about. I want to be his wife and he says hope that one day maybe he will but I cannot hope forever. I will NEVER leave him. I am committed from now on but I don’t know how to deal with the pain of not knowing whether he will marry me or not. Any help.
Dear Blondie,
I hear you. I have the same heartache. All my friends say “leave him” if he’s not giving me happiness. I am totally in love and fully committed. But because of a bad marriage that took over half of his estates, he’s now terrified of any kind of commitment. I don’t want to leave him or be with him because of money or marriage. But I believe that a man should give his woman a sense of security if he loves her. And we, women, has a biological clock clicking inside us. We have a harder time finding marriage at an older age. Cougars is just a TV show. In reality, there aren’t too many cougars out there.
So hang in there, girl. I’m here too suffering the same pain. I know it is very hard.
A very close friend is like a family member, like a brother or sister, and that kind of relationship lasts forever, no matter where the person is. I have a number of friends like this, and I believe I will never lose them, no matter how far apart we are.
I met two new guys, and that made me want my husband back even more.
Man out there are mostly after one night stands.
I felt sick to my stomach, I am not ready.
I just dont see myselfe with another man.
I am going crazy? It this feeling normal?
I saw him this week after awhile, he wants, to still have sex with me and he wants to still control my life, but he doenst want me back, doenst want our family back, I do everything he asks, because I am so afraid he will stop talking to me all together or even worse he will get a new woman. I need help… I know this is not healthy, not to me,not to our baby , is all a mess. My heart aches like there is a knife in it, and everytime he comes and leaves again, that knife moves deeper in,
come to stay, or stay away. pleaseeeee.
When ever i see her i hate her but whenever i see other couples i really miss her.
I see the world thru loving eyes & no one can ever hurt me.
I’ve forgiven everyone n maself for all d mistakes.
My past is over & i am at peace.
AT LEAST I LOVED
& I’ll LOVE AGAIN!!
I cant deal with this pain yet, I am so afraid of feeling it even though It gets worse every second that goes by, I cannot let go. I cannot let go of my marriage, I cannot let go of our family, even though he has…
My girlfriend broke up with me almost a month ago. She was and still is my first love. I started dating her two years ago then out of the blue she left me for a man. She doesnt care what happens to me. She was my first for EVERYTHING and now she doesnt even want to hear my voice. I have heart pain so bad it feels like it will kill me. I feel like being killed would be less painful. I just want her back and i know i can never have that and it makes me want to die. I can’t stop crying, i just really want her back.
I thought I found my soul mate and Loved him like nothing else…Ten years of my life invested in him and now I feel nothing but heartache. This pain is unbearable, and makes each breath in life unbearable.
I read this recently somewhere and is helping me –
“All things in life are temporary, If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don’t worry, they can’t last long either”
It is hard but Thank God the pain will be temporary! It has been 6 weeks since we separated and I hope I can recoup soon with the support of friends, family and meditation.
This website is helpful.
Cheers to us all for having the courage to LOVE and being strong! This too shal pass and we will find our perfect partners – we will LOVE again!
So much pain. It feels like I’m going to have a heart attack (it’s in the genes).
We were dating when she found out she was pregnant by another guy. She never pretended it was mine. It was messy. I stuck by her. She left and went home, all 6000 miles away, with a gorgeous little boy who called me Daddy. I thought she was the one for me. That little boy that called me Daddy certainly was. She suffers from what’s called Voicelessness, she changes herself to become what she thinks you want, but then can’t hold the ‘pose’, and so the relationship just crumbles in front of you, and no conversation, no heart to heart, will ever put it back together again.
She’s dating again now. I’m not. The desolation is complete.
Life seems to hold nothing worth speaking of. I just move between the ends of the day looking forward to the comfort sleep brings. Even alcohol does nothing for the pain.
I just want my life to be over already. I’m sick of it, the whole shooting match. I can’t tell you how much I miss my little man, how much I feel I’ve let him down.
Its been months almost a year since she last left me. The pain was tremendous i cared for her gave her my all n more. I couldnt eat sleep or live without her. She took da biggest chunk out of myheart and till this day its still missing. i depended on marijuana and liquor to get me ova her but thats only a temporary relief from it. Every female ive been with after her has ben terrible it seems as if i dont trust n beleive n females since she did me how she did. n most of da stuff se did to me i accuse my counterparts of doing. I jus don kno wat to do no matter wat my heart hurts n yearns for da healing it needs. the meditation worked for a couple of mins. But in reality im still broken..
I am not the victim I am the perpetrator, this is the 2nd time i broke her heart because of my indecisiveness, but this time i did it becuase i want her to find love, i want her to experience love elsewhere and if we are lead back to eachother (which i pray we are) then we will do it forever. It is hard to read these msg, because I am certain this is how she felt towards me, It has been a year, we havent spoken a word, i think she has moved on, but if she loved me as much as she said then i pray that i still have a part of her heart. I hate what i put her through, i hate destroying her. But if i didnt end it I could have never given her my whole heart, she is the only woman i ever saw myself marrying. and i hurt everyday but she doesnt know because i carry and hide this burden of being the bad guy. everyone out there that has been hurt, dont ever give up on love, if you believe and know in your heart that you are meant to be with that person, then you can make it happen, when you form a bond that is true and real no one or nothing can destroy it. I am gonna continue to hurt because i deserve it, and i will continue to pray for her everyday that she is lead back to me, but more importantly i will pray for myself that i become a better man, better freind and a better lover to her and her only.
How can she ever know your love if you keep hidingfrom her?! This is a man’s issue: the simplest words he has the hardest time to utter them out.
I cried reading your message. I thought of my own love who never showed me enough affection and commitment until it’s all too late now.
Please tell her. She might still be thinking of you.
It remarkable how we met.We were born the same day,month but not d same year.Her dad and mine share d same name,likewise me and her junior.So i thought it was fate,but after 2 years of being in luv wt each other i noticed she was dating smone behind my back.She lied at first but opened up when she was done with me.Few wd understand how i feel considering how much i love her-it kills
my relationship with my husband of 6 years stopped working nearly 1 year ago, then about 5 months ago i went out with my colleague who had the same problem but 19rs older than me, I simplely thought that older man would be nicer and more mature, everything went very well at the beginning, I still remember that when i was so confused about was it the right thing to do then he made promises, commitments…that he would love me have a family with me, but when i finally decided to separated from my husband, he decided to end our relationship, what a joke.
it has been 4 weeks since the break up, i still have heartaches every day, its normal, and i do feel angry all the time with his bluffing and backstabbing, but i keep telling myself that i am attractive and the person who decides to leave you does not worth the tears and the hurt, pick yourself up and be the better person – I wish him well and I tell myself everyday to really mean it, just give them time to let them realise what they’ve lost.
i’m hurting too. it’s been over a year, we were only together for two, we had a child and were engaged, lived together, and he dumped me cruelly after being cold and selfish more often than not. i cannot believe i’m still not over him. all signs point to his being a narcissist, so why do i want him back? why am i happy when he shows signs of still loving me? he was reckless with my heart, so why still the inability for me to make this over and move on? why am i so insanely reluctant to let go of this man?
I’m feeling heartache now! It has been one year and 6 months that me and my childs father departed from each other. When i became pregnant with our son he decided that he did not want to make our relation/friendship work anymore! I have been hurt eversince:( with this sudden decision he made it made me wonder that there was another female involved. I asked him but he denied it each and everytime. Just two days ago while dropping my daughter off at daycare in the morning he was dropping our son off and his girlfriend was in the car. I was so hurt and i cried all the way to work because i always knew, but never seen it for myself. Now that i have that confirmation i can deal with my hurt. Because before i would be moving on, but always suffered from the heartache and questioning “Why did this happen to us!” Now I have closure and I thank god for loving me so much and exposing the truth to me at the right time!!
Thanks For the article, it was much appreciated, i, am no stranger to pain, ive felt it and rejection tons of times before, there’s never been once when a girl has ever accepted my proposals. The latest was the most painful, i have to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for this article, and i hope that there will be someone for me in the future. Unitl then, ill express myself using the creativity in my heart for song-writing. Thank you. :]
I cannot describe my pain right now. I literally feel the lump in my throat, I can’t breath and its hurts so much that I cant even cry anymore…. BUT, at least I put myself out there and just like someone mentioned here, we all share the same fate:
“we loved and we will do it again!”…
It was a blessing to have found this site, I was sitting here …1.doubting myself, 2. wondering why im not marriage material 3. Wondering what I could have done different. 4. I feel damaged. 5. But reading all these stories and quotes I know that this will pass. I will feel alive once again. Its just so hard to deal with the pain- after 2 years he sends me an email with how he felt. Said that things were boring and yet, he said I love you. But wasnt open to any suggestions. He rolled his eyes etc. I have looked into this …and he was quite the emotional abuser . So I am going to lift my head up high, and know that I did my best.
I found this quote on this site: AT LEAST WE LOVED!
We will love again.
amen to that!
I.
if anyone can give me suggestions or anything that would chear me up ,lift my spirits. please let me know..
For everybody, There is always something better for all of you, trust me. Be smart fell the pain and go out meet someone else, after awhile, it will be over with the past, you are living right now and you are happy.
Its different if they broke up with you, then you have something to get over because you have no control, What if your the one who broke up with the person becuase you knew, 2 much was done, 2 much was said and the situtations messed up beyond belief. Due to trust issues the woman I’m in love with I cant get myself to give my heart to her because I dont treust her she lies alot, while on the other had I have a wonderfull woman whos loves me with all her heart but i dont love her like I do the damn liar how crazy is that. So In essence what do you do when your the casue of your heartache, because your makeing the “sensible” decision and it eats away at you because your the one who’s keeping you in this position… I guess to save myself from it later.
why do you think she lied to you?
I am hurt, and i cant stop thinking about her, She doesnt think i love her, but if she knew the pain I am enduring ,she would know, I know she has suffered pain too. they say that if you dont have contact with the subject of your heartache, the pain will subside sooner, i hope so, but its still early,and has only been 3 weeks, she refuses to have any contact with me, she is angry ,and decided to leave me, some of the things , that was suggested , I have tried, its hard, but I know I will survive., although the pain is intense.
I just caught my girlfriend of 6 years cheating on me with another man. thank your for you advice, meditation, and website. It is very difficult, but I am sure I will get through it. Nothing like getting your heart ripped out of your chest……..but relationships (even bad ones) are a very difficult thing to move on from. The most comforting thing is to know that there are others than have been through the same thing. Its tought to move on, but necessary to have a full and meaningful life which is what I so desire………
ok i used to like this other girl but then i asked her out….she said umm im a say no. i felt like i would fall apart but i survived. it happened to me again with another girl but i survived. but with this girl she was my friend. i liked her so much. i loved everything about her. when ever i get sad all i had to do was look in her eyes and feel happy. but when i asked her out she said no. she wants to be friends. she then said it would ruin wat we have. i was heart broken like no other. i actualy cried over a girl 4 the first time in my life i thought we would go to gether and be happy but she liked someone else. every girl likes him. then i see them playin around and i just hurt even more. now when i look into her eyes all i feel is pain and dispare and nothing else. i i still like her till this day but it just hurts thinking about it.
I have been in love with a married woman for 5 years! I am a musician /artist…and also have been married for many years. During this time I didn’t want to admit that my partner wasn’t THE one. We lived together as friends and it was fun…however there was always something missing. Then one day I met my dream woman. She was THE one. Why? We played music together, we created together, we had the same goals and aspirations. We enjoyed each others company and understood where we were going. This was it…this was my perfect woman i had been dreaming of for years. So for five years we created and worked together and in a way loved each other? No sex during this time…however, she made me believe that she was interested. Then gradually it dawned on me that she was in fact a flirt, had flings and affairs, could entice a man with her looks and conversation and sweet talk. But I was hooked. She still was the one!! Because I wanted to share my musical and artistic passion with someone …and we did. Now, after having my heart broken so many times….I have difficulty in leaving this relationship. Why? because i am in a band. There are other people involved that rely on my musical ability. We have a CD recorded that has to be sold. We see each other at music festivals . Its so difficult to leave….as also my musical passion will be broken. This is what i’ve been working for so many years…and i will lose it. So, I started drinking to ease the pain. That doesn’t work. My mojo is gone…my muse is gone. Why do I allow to be so involved. Its so hard to ,let go. I’m at the point of no return. What to do?
For all of you who have been there you understand the pain. For those who haven’t….its a pain that won’t go away when you know that you have met someone you have dreamt of for so long….and can’t have. Its tough. I cry too. I am 57.
Change. We know that it is one of the only constants in life. So why do we fight it so? The grief cycle is another constant but man it still hurts. Just when it seems like life is going along smoothly….bam! Why do fools fall in love? It is the best and it hurts the worst.
I am still with my girl but Ive gotten into trouble and it has made it very hard for me to see her. And things have piled up between drama from other people and other things and it makes me so sad because i want to be with my girlfriend all the time and right now we are unsure when we will see each other and sometimes we dont hear from each other for for 8 or more hours. its just really hard for me because i cant do anything to get my mind off of her and every time i try to be happy i still feel this sadness and it hurts me so bad and i want our relationship to be a great one but right now i dont know what to do. and we do have a very strong relationship if it will help anything.
i lost my love a week before. really hurt me a lot. am a gal wid lot of enjoyment. i believed him fully. but he told that there is no chance to come. he only proposed to me. i cant tolerate my pain.i cant sleep also.
I’ve been married and divorced and had a love affair end and was devastated, but NOTHING compares to your son or daughter hating you. I have a teenage daughter who is depressed and so hateful and angry. I know most teenagers feel angst and frustration but, when my daughter tells me she despises me…..I believe her. I have her in therapy and I’m sure it will help someday but in the mean time it is so hard to hear her tell me daily how much she hates me. I will never love anyone else the way I love her, and my heart literally hurts. For me personally this is much harder than getting over a man.
I had a two year relationship with a man I believed I could spend the rest of my life with, however the relationship ended for me unexpectedly which has led to 2 more years of unresolved grief and emotional hurt. We briefly reconciled the relationship which I was both ecstatic and fearful about, eventually he ended the relationship again. He left me for another woman who was married at the time, had four children, and worked with him. After he ended the relationship again, he returned to that relationship and is now pregnant with her. She is getting a divorce from her husband now. I believed I was at a point where I had emotionally dealt with the hurt, but hearing the news he was marrying and having a child with this woman open what I thought were old, healed wounds. In particular the deep wound I have which was caused by his statement he could not offer me a life of matrimony and children, which I find he can now do with this woman that is not me. I read this entry and felt better about the situation, however it is difficult when everything seems so bleak. I just pray that I will get to a point when I can finally let go of the emotional inprint that has been created due to the hurt associated with this man I will always love.
I just moved out and the heartache of missing my family and especially my animals is getting harder each day I just want someone to hold me and tell me that I can make it.
but in my case i feel no physical pain, just vengence. I have been trodden on by so many people, and the person that stood by me and had my heart did the same. when that person that you care about most in the world does it, it makes you feel like you can trust no one. let no one in. i fear she has ruined me for the rest of my days. no more mr nice guy.
Wow, that’s not fair… not fair to you. You deserve to be happy, you will eventually find someone to love, respect and appreciate you. Don’t give up
well, i came out of my relationship 5 days ago. We were together over 3 years. From day 1 i managed to eventually sacrifice all the things i cared about because i cared about her more, and all that mattered was her happiness, she had a lot of issues and i managed to bandage a lot of the hurt that had come upon her, i was her rock and she was mine. outsiders viewed us as the happiest couple… and i was, i was the happiest man alive, she made me feel so loved and so special, and in return i gave her my entire heart, and she was the first to recieve the 200% of love i am capable of. after 2 and a half years i started to notice her shifting, changing, but she assured me she was the same, but she wasnt, starting to drift back, wanting other guys attention, when literally i gave her all the attention she required without being over powering or over protective, cos i just wanted to make her happy. i put so much focus and effort in the last couple of month and after a couple of breaks where i tried my hardest and fought my hardest i found out she had been going behind my back with another guy. at which point i ended it and the lies and deceit ripped my heart in two. i told her that it was her turn to fight the way i had been, and if she was really as upset as she said, now was her chance. she didnt take it. she was done. instant heart brake for me after trying so hard. what a sucker i was. women rip our hearts in two, i wont stand for this anymore. i feel sorry for the next girl, noone will ever recieve the love i gave her. i feel torn apart from the inside out. but know i must move on.
except same thing has just happened to me. its horrible to imagine herself enjoying herself having sex with another guy and then remembering her coming home to me as if everything was perfect
@Chris your experiences are same with mine,i think women are not ment to be loved with all our hearts.mine is about a month now and there were plans to get married december 2010.I had done introduction dec 2009 with the family as part of our the traditional rites.The oldest man and her family members came and before drinking the wine and stuffs i came it the bride to be was called and asked if they should go ahead and drink my wine,she smiled and said yes.Everything seemed ok and i was expecting a list of what i will bring for the main Traditional rite when she got the list she said she was gonna send it via courier and i told her easter is just arround the corner that when i come then i will colect it then we can plan.To my greatest surprise i asked for a book on Holy spirit which she collected the last time she came to my house and i heard her say “i will bring everything that i collected from u”i knew that statement ment something i travelled easter and after partying with my family she broke the news,that i should hold the marraige plans and i asked why she gave some reasons which i knew was not genuine.bt anyway spoke to the mother about it cos i was close with the family already they talked to her and she was bent on her decision but i later found out thru her phone that she was dating another guy.Man its painful ,i sacrificed a lot in this relationship to make it work.i saw the signs bt she kept on assuring me that she wont leave me bt in the end she left.well i guess thats to show us that the “MIND OF MAN IS FULL OF DECEIT”we all need to becareful on issues bothering on “LOVE”.alwaz have one belief “WHAT GOES ARROUND COMES ARROUND”The New guy may or may not be the perfect ladies tend to go by what they SEE.The future is Unknown,issues of marraige is not physical to me.anyway i have decided to move on,it hasnt been easy bt i will survive it.I dont plan entering into a relationship immediately so that i dont make mistake.
I have been suffering from heartache for almost 4 years because of a man I can’t stop loving. I feel that this unrequited love can be so emotionally damaging that, I totally agree it hurts more than physical pain sometimes. I am so glad that I found you article, wish I had read it earlier. It did help .What I had been doing was to try so hard to get rid of the pain ,only to find that it was becoming even stronger. Yes, maybe i should allow myself to feel it , to be with it . I will keep in mind that i will survive it.
I love him more than anything, anything but my family. My father said to run from a man who doesn’t get along with his family, and run even farther from the man who doesn’t get along with mine. Its been two years together, and finally, two days before Christmas my dad tells me this. I love him so much, my daughter calls him daddy. I can hardly eat, my work is preoccupied, my friends and family dismiss it as if my heart isn’t breaking at all. I just want him back, but I need my family. My head and my heart are fighting and it makes me want to do nothing but sleep.
Why do I feel like this? All of my physical needs are taken care of. On the other hand, my sexual and spiritual needs are depleted. I’ve been living in celibacy for three plus years. I wonder, is this why I can’t concentrate. I work a physically brutal job. I’m only halfway finish with earning a bachelor degree to change my situation, I take one class per quarter. I’m pass fifty and need a life change. The decision of my pass has really hurt me and I and I really feel them.
faye, i feel you believe me, every time my brain revisited the last melo-dramatic moments is like a current of electricity that runs thru my body, i have became for now an angry and very very cold person like i don’t owe anything to the world and viceversa, funny thing i function well when i’m like that, sad i go down into the depressive mood, angry is like a shot of adrenaline that boost my body, just the other day i usually run for 20 min before workout but that specific monday my body and mine kept asking me not to stop i ran for a full hour,never for one moment stop thinking the same crap however didn’t hurt as much, is funny how our amazing human body works, i saw a tiny bity thing of light at the end., just thought i share that with you
Fredo believe me I know how you feel. This first 2 months I felt like I was in a shell. All I could think about were the memories and so many things would trigger those thoughts. I couldn’t understand how someone could spend so many years sharing their life with you, telling you over and over how much they cared to giving up on the relationship so quickly. I felt violated and used and really stupid for believing that this person was real and sincere. I’ve learned to keep my feelings protected and my anger is due to the fact that I will never truly trust anyone with my feelings again (he did that to me). I used to be very open and caring but that is gone (I’ve changed) I will never allow anyone to hurt me in that way again. I’m also angry at myself, if I would of left a year ago I’d be much better off emotionally, physically (I lost ten pounds) and financially. I believe in Karma – what goes around comes around – someday he will feel the pain that he inflicts on others.
Faye Thanks for the support; we all seemed to have very similar situations, in my case I’m having trouble accepting the loss I’m angry that I finally opened up and all went to waste that I gave myself and lost , I know in order to be a champion one have to learned from the losses but my life is not a sports team, seems that my brain has gone on cruise control and in close doors and all It’s thinking is her and the things she could be doing with some one else….i know it will get better is just too freaking hard right at this moment as I write this.
This is a helpful message to a certain point but it’s not true that heartache and emotional pain cannot damage the body physically. Anxiety, high blood pressure, and related symptoms can weaken the arteries and blood vessels over time. We have all heard of stories where partners of many years die soon after their loved ones, of a “broken heart.” The mind can be a very powerful force and the pain is very real. I think meditation can be a good way to teach us to soothe ourselves and relieve some of that.
Hang in there Fredo…you have to feel the pain and anger to get through it. All part of the process, I started dating again quickly and it really helped in many different ways.
Good luck!
same here 5 wasted years of my life to end up with nothing then anger and revange feellings, working on a big promotion and now this bad timing!!, my energy seems to have faded, my willingness to go on is just not there, i konw i sound like a victim oh well shame on me for been so vulnarable, i’m so angry i’m just thinking on getting back at her make her feel my pain. It’s been 2 days and counting….
We were together for 5 years and it’s been 2 months since the break up. We only lived together the last 3 months of the relationship and everything fell apart quickly. I gave up most of my belongs to move in with him. So the pain of heartache is also anger. I made a big mistake by moving in, by doing that he had all the power. Instead of working on the problem he choose to ask me to leave. The past 5 years was just a lie. I doubt I will ever trust again.
Its been over three months since she left. Two months since I became homeless in middle age. And one week since the divorce was final. I have been “doing” well, but the last couple of days…. I’m embarrassed. She running around drinking and showing off her ability to do what she wants in a small town. This meditation opened up a lot. Hoping to continue to heal. We have two small children, so we have to communicate daily. This doesn’t allow for much separation.
it has been over 2 years since I lost the love of my life, it took the better part of a year before I could even think about seeing anyone else, I couldnt bare the pain of her loss. I have dated, been in long relationships however have not felt anything close to how she made me feel. I can say that i have learned to live with the pain that never yealds, most people think im fine that im over it but the reality of it is i have become empty and hollow, waiting for the time i will be finaly free from this torment
well, its been almost 2 months since our breakup and sadly, i’ve still not fully come to terms with things. I still feel, that in my heart she is the one for me but clearly this can’t be the case if she isn’t returning those feelings. Depression, suicide and all sorts of other things weigh heavy on my mind but if i’m totally honest, your article is the first thing i’ve read that actually makes sense. I shall certainly give the meditation a go, what harm can it do. I know i deserve to stop feeling this way and be happy, i just hope some day soon i can be.
I am hurting a lot. i was broken up with 2 days ago, the love of my life. doesnt seem as though anyone feels the same , no one can help me, i am desperate, hurting so much id rather not live, my emotional pain is physical. i cant talk , lift things. typing is very hard. i dont have many friends and i feel utterly lonely and shattered and beside myself. this meditation took the edge off for a couple mins. thanks
After sifting through so much rubbish on the internet about how to handle rejection, I am so glad I found this because it might give me something. My life is a misery following a relationship breakup 6 weeks ago that has also left me homeless for the first time in my life. It is so difficult for a middle-aged man who has lost everything he cherished and now sees no future, no hope – just endless sadness and loneliness. It seems impossible to start all over again. I still feel worthless and have constant thoughts of suicide, but I will try (an adaption of) this mediation because I really don’t want to give up just yet.
Jonathan Dowling,
Melbourne Australia
That meditation was something I desperately needed. Thank you. I’ve been heartbroken for months and was stuffing it down and occupying my head with other things. I will do this every day until I’m free and whole again.
What a wonderful advice, I never thought like this before
this really helped. thankyou.
the meditation is perfect.
i think i miss her. it’s been 5 days since i last saw her and 6, since she rejected my feelings for her. there’s something terribly wrong with me, i just keep on thinking and thinking about her and it’s been killing me. i wish i could disappear for a moment, just so as for me to be able to heal and move on. however, school’s just around the corner. and i’ll be seeing her soon, i know i just said that i miss her, but i am so afraid that seeing her might amplify the hurt that i feel right now. what the heck am i supposed to do? can you help me?
It is so hard to wrap your mind around someone you love dearly rejecting you. I’ve never felt so heart broken in my life. I feel like I am at this stage where an entire year is flashing before more eyes and all I can see are the beautiful parts. The friendship, the tenderness, the togetherness, the feeling of belonging – I can’t believe it led to great heartache. At least I loved. I am alone in the world and I took the chance and decided to love someone.
To anyone out there reading this: AT LEAST WE LOVED!
We will love again.
Thanks
Amen – We will Love Again!