Note: Read this article all the way to the end, where I have tucked in two important gems for you. You will want to read the whole article in order to be able to use them.
Why do relationships and marriages end? Maybe the two people were not right for each other to begin with. Perhaps they grew apart. Or maybe it’s because they fell out of love with each other.
As cliché as these statements sound, they hint at the real reasons relationships and marriages end. Two people come together, but they are not exactly right for each other. They may fit in many ways that originally feel good, but don’t fit in other ways which are critical to the survival of the relationship. Over time, because they don’t fit with each other in critical ways, they grow apart. And as they grow apart they fall out of love.
This process is accompanied by pain, because one or both of the partners typically don’t want to let go. They would rather make the relationship work, but can’t. Making it work would require significant change, and one or even both partners typically don’t want to make changes.
This is the reason why who you choose for your relationship partner is the most critical part of creating a healthy, life-long relationship or marriage.
If you choose someone who is compatible with you in ways that feel good, but is incompatible in other critical ways, they would have to change for you. If they don’t change, the relationship will eventually fall apart. But change is very difficult, and more often than not, does not happen.
Does this mean that unless you meet someone who is perfect, your relationships are doomed? And since there are no perfect people out there anyway, are you going to end up alone?
Not exactly.
There is no one out there who is perfect, but there are people who are perfect for you. In fact, meeting people who are perfect for us in ways that matter is fairly ordinary, if you think about it.
Consider the people you know in happy marriages and relationships. They are perfect for each other in ways that matter. More often than not, these perfectly matched couples found each other in ordinary ways. They met at work, in social groups, online or even in grocery stores.
You have also probably had the experience of meeting people who are perfect for you. Think about your closest friends and mentors. Have you ever thought about your best friend or mentor and reflected on how perfect the two of you are for each other?
What prevents men and women from meeting a partner who is perfect for them is what I call a “broken partner picker”. The “partner-picker”, the internal mechanism that chooses a potential partner, is broken in a particular way. Instead of being set up to say “yes” to a partner who would be perfect for you in critical ways that would make you happy, it’s set up to identify partners who will fail you in specific, significant ways.
You know you have a “broken partner-picker” when either your relationships fail again and again, or if you simply don’t run across anyone you are interested in having a relationship with.
Unfortunately I can’t help you fix your partner picker in an article, because the process requires deep and individual work, which I do with clients in coaching.
I will help you by giving you two powerful gems to take away from this article:
1. Meeting a partner perfect for you does not have to be hard. It is actually easy and ordinary.
2. If this is not easy and ordinary for you, it is because you have a “broken partner-picker”. This is unfortunate, but is not a tragedy. Your partner-picker can be fixed, making meeting your right partner easy.
I help clients fix their partner-picker, often in as little as 3 months of regular coaching. If you would like to experience working with me as your coach, set up your own Get Clarity 30-minute Telephone Coaching Session.
